Augustus folded into himself, his knees pressed tight to his chest. He was home, in his own bed, all alone for the first night in almost a month. He had been over with Manuel almost every night since he had found out he was pregnant, until now. Earlier, he and Manuel had been fooling around. Making love and simply having a nice time. In the middle of the love making, caught in the heat of passion, Manuel had called him James. Augustus groaned softly as a fresh bought of tears sprang into his eyes. He was so tired of never being someone's first choice. Luca....Manuel....He wondered what made him so....inadequate. He hated having to always wonder why he was not as good as someone else. It was hell, and he had honestly never thought that Manuel compared him to James like that. He talked of his lover lover often but Augustus always tried to get passed that. He tried to pretend it did not bother him but this...
For hours Manuel had been blowing up his phone, sending text and calling on the minute, Augustus simply didn't have the heart to answer anything. Truly he found himself feeling selfish, and this extracted a laugh, a soft pained laugh. Of course he was being selfish, he was pregnant with Manuel's baby and had no right to ignore him like this, but then again, he was in so much pain it seemed unreal. His chest ached as he tried to draw in breath like it never had before. He felt like he was on fire, and he could not get enough oxygen for the life of him. All he could think of was James and Manuel. How his Manuel, his lover, this man who had made him love even more than Luca had, had just called out another mans name during their love making. He thought of James. He thought of his straight hair that was a shade or two lighter than his own. He thought of his eyes that were a bluish green instead of his hazel. He thought of their freckles, and pale skin, and realized he had been so pitiful to think that Manuel had just really thought he was beautiful. Maybe he did love red hair, but he loved it because of James, not because of Augustus.
And that in itself, is my Augustus though he was dying.
The boy jumped as he heard a knock on his door, his mothers voice pouring into the room. "Gus, baby? Let me in please. What happened baby?"
Augustus didn't want to tell him, didn't want to say anything to him in fact but before he could catch himself, words were pouring from his mouth.
"I feel like im no anyone's first choice. Neither their favorite...." Of course Luca had chosen Killian. Loved him first. And Manuel had been in love with James, and Augusts was certain if James were to come back, Manuel would drop him like a rock.
"E-Even if people tell me im important to them, or mean alot to them, I know theirs always someone they prefer to be with..." Augustus hiccuped hard, covering his face with his hands. "Someone they choose over me..." And then in a tiny whisper "And that hurts..." It hurt so horribly, like white hot pain shooting through his veins. He knew his mother wanted to help him, but he also knew that was not going to happen.
"Baby is there anything I can do?" Brynn peeked his head into the door, his heart sinking at the site of his son. Augustus was on his bed, curling on his side, shaking pitifully as sobs wracked his body. "Momma There is nothing you could do. I could talk until my mouth is dry or my lungs are empty, but still I know that you will never be able to fully understand this pain unless you have to go through it yourself one day. And I sincerely hope that never happens." He sniffled softly, flipping on his side to look at his mother. Augustus's face was so red, totally wet and covered in tears. The Hazel eyes not even hazel anymore, with his tears than had lit up into a bright green color that was made to stand out even more against his red hair. Standing in that door way, looking to Augustus as the boy smiled at him and told him everything was okay, that he was okay. Brynn remembered reading a definition in a book once for a school assignment. Sitting here with Augustus now, he finally understood what eccedentesiast meant. Augustus threw his smile around, weather he was happy or not, and he had no clue what it meant to the people around him. Like for Manuel, Augustus's smile was the sunshine. His light when he felt he was surrounded by dark. The man stepped further into his son's room, sitting down on the edge of the bed and opening his arms. Like he always did Augustus planted himself into those arms, his face pressed into his mothers chest. He knew he was not the first choice with his mother either, of course he had two brothers that had been there first. Augustus would never say anything to his mother about it though, he didn't want his mother to feel bad about anything, especially something as stupid as putting Augustus first.
"M-Momma..." Augustus sniffled, his words muffled by Brynn's shirt. "D-Do I ever cross your mind? Like just sometimes during the day, do you think about me?"
Brynn's grip on his son tightened, his eyes tracing every feature of his son he could see.
"No..."
There was a quick intake of breath as if the answer had pained Augustus, but Brynn was fast to finish what he was saying. "Your never off of my mind in the first place Augustus. Im always thinking about you sweetheart..." If he was the only one in the world. His baby, though he didn't know it, came first before anything else. Brynn dropped a kiss into his baby's red hair, rocking his back and forth slowly. "Augustus sweet heart, you are more important than you realize. I know you don't see it now, but one day you will..." Brynn licked his lips, whispering softly to his son. " The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These people have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that feels them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do no just happen baby. I do not care how pretty a person is. That does not make them truly beautiful. But you Augustus....Your the most precious thing I have ever seen."
"I-I know momma..." His mother always knew exactly what to say, and this is why Augustus would always need him. Without his mother there would be no Augustus, even now. But even so, Brynn could not stop Augustus from feeling so confused, unsatisfied, sad, vulnerable, irrelevant, anxious, broken, unimportant, or lost...Only Manuel could do that now, and Augustus didn't want to see his face, or hear his voice. At least not right now when the wound was so fresh in his mind. Brynn sighed softly into his son's hair. He just wished he could make things better for his baby, just like Augustus did with him. Augustus didn't even know it, but when he looked at Brynn, and he smiles he wide Augustus smile, its like for a split second, everything stops and his smile pierces through all of the bad in Brynn's life and everything is okay again. He just wished it was that simple for his son...
