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 Xavier's Thoughts

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Zachariah Torres

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Posts : 588
Join date : 2013-08-18

PostSubject: Xavier's Thoughts   Mon Sep 23, 2013 1:41 am

This made me cry AHHH >< I don't know where this came from, I just started it tonight and couldn't stop until I finished. but I'm going to bed now ><



July 1st,
Alright, first, I want to get one thing straight. This isn’t a diary. Well… maybe it is. But I have a good reason for keeping a diary, okay? My reason is that I’m sick. Dying actually. And when I die, I want my thoughts to be somewhere for whoever I care about to read them. I don’t want there to be nothing left of me when I’m gone. When I’m gone… wow that’s depressing. But anyways, I’m sure I have at least a few years left, I was just diagnosed with AIDS a few months ago after all. And since then, I haven’t even looked at a girl or guy. I can’t imagine sleeping with someone, I’m too scared I’ll infect them. Even if I’m REALLY GODDAMN HORNY. Whatever. I guess I’m done with this journal entry? Bye.
July 5th,
Alright I haven’t written in a few days. Whatever. Still getting used to this whole diary thing. Plus, I haven’t really had anything to say until today. Today, I got a job. I’ve had jobs before, but I wanted to do something good, you know? Something to make me feel like I’d done something nice for the day. So I’m working at a kids park as one of those people who you usually laugh at that dress up as the Disney characters. I’m Captain Hook. They gave me my costume today and my first day is tomorrow. So wish me luck.
July 6th,
Well it was my first day of work today. And it went AWESOME. The little kids are all scared of me which is a bit of a bummer, but I really like watching them smile at all the other actors. There are a shitload of actors working there, but the only ones I really talk to are Tinkerbell and Peter Pan. The chick who plays Tinkerbell is pretty cool. She’s really pretty but she’s also really shy so it’s hard to carry on a conversation with her. The dude who plays Peter Pan though couldn’t be more opposite. You can’t get him to shut up. He’s fucking adorable though, so it’s alright. I think I like him already. But I don’t know. He’s a ginger and I’m not usually into that, but it really works for him. He’s not too scrawny, but not muscular either. He’s just the right size to be a little conceited and still be dorky and adorable too. I like that. I was just in the dressing rooms getting changed this morning and he popped in out of nowhere and introduced himself. His name is Elvis by the way. Weird, right? But he told me to call him Lively. No way in hell I’m doing that though. I like to tease people, it’s how I flirt. What am I even talking about? I shouldn’t be flirting at all.
Man, this sucks.
But don’t worry, I’m not going to fall for him. I promise. I don’t want to get him into this mess.

July 20th,
Okay, remember how I told you about that Elvis kid? And how I wasn’t going to fall for him.
Well I did.

July 26th,
Elvis and I went out on our third date tonight. Do you think we’re moving too fast? I dunno. But either way, I really like him. We went out to the movies, saw some chick flick we both made fun of but I think we both liked it, really. Afterwards, we sat outside the theater and talked for a few hours. I didn’t even realize how late it was getting until his phone started ringing. His dad was freaking out. But we talked about everything. I even told him how I think I want to be a tattoo artist. He said that was really cool. I showed him most of my tattoos and pointed out the ones that I’ve drawn myself. He thinks that’s awesome and said I’m a good artist and should go for it. I think he’s right. Maybe I will go for it.
July 30th,
He. Is. Perfect.
August 5th,
Today, Elvis went with me to do a job interview at this tattoo shop. How cool is that? But that’s not even the best part.
I got the job!
I’m still really psyched. I’m going to keep working at the park with Elvis, but I’ll be training on the sides to do tattoos. I already practiced on a few dummies they had and the guy said I was a natural and I “have promise.” Awesome, right?
Okay, when I said getting the job was the best part, I lied.
The best part was after Elvis and I left. We stepped outside and I was like freaking out. Elvis was laughing at me and then, he just grabbed my face and kissed me.
I almost freaked out since I didn’t even know if I could kiss people, but I was so happy I just went with it. Then, he pulled back and we just kind of stared at each other and started walking home. We walked to his house and when we were outside his door, he asked if I wanted to be his boyfriend. I thought I should be the one to ask that but whatever, it was still cool.
I said yes, duh.
August 10th,
God, I think I really am falling for this kid. It’s weird, being in love again. Oops, did I just say I was in love? I guess… I guess I am.
I know it seems like we’re really moving fast but I can’t explain it. I can tell already, I’m in love with him.
August 20th,
So, Elvis invited me for dinner tonight to meet his parents. I’m really nervous. What if they hate me? Wish me luck.
August 21st,
Elvis’s parents are awesome. His mom is crazy. He’s a ginger too. He’s really loud and goofy, always falling over himself. I’m pretty sure he fell at least a hundred times in the few hours I was over there. His dad seemed really strict and quiet at first, but after he interrogated me with a thousand questions, he loosened up and started laughing with the rest of us. His dad is Hispanic or something. I tried to impress him with the little bit of Spanish I learned in high school but I don’t think it worked. They told me to come back any time though, and I got to spend the night over there with Elvis. It was amazing.
October 1st,
Whoa it’s been a really long time since I’ve written in here. Sorry about that. Stuff is busy. I’m an official tattoo artist now! And, with Halloween coming, as Captain Hook, I have to do a ton of shows with the other villains. I’m crazy busy. I’ll fill you in on what you missed though.
Elvis and I have exchanged I love yous. It’s official, I’m in love. And it feels great. Also, we usually spend the nights together, whether it’s at his house or at mine. I still haven’t told him about my disease though. I’m too scared. I’ll just put it off a little longer.
October 10th,
Well it’s official. As of today, I’ve had the HIV virus for one year exactly. I’m kind of happy I’m still alive, to be honest. I know a lot of people can live long lives with this disease, but I admit, when I first found out I had it, I kind of imagined I’d be dead within a week.
But the point of this whole thing is… I’m going to tell Elvis. We’re going out tonight. Wish me luck again.
October 11th,
I told him.
At first he got really shocked. Then angry. Then upset. He almost cried. But finally, he settled on hugging me and telling me he still loved me. I’m happy he does. I don’t know what I’d do if he left.
November 2nd,
The tattoo shop is going great. I’m getting really good. I just gave myself a tattoo even. Elvis wants me to design a tattoo for him and then do it for him. We’re also talking about getting matching tattoos. That’d be pretty cool, don’t you think? Maybe we should get something to do with Peter Pan… I have to think about it.
December 5th,
Yesterday was HUGE. I’ll tell you the whole story.
So with winter coming and all, it’s FREEZING outside lately. Elvis and I always walk home from work together. And last night, it was the coldest day so far this year. We were huddled up together, hiding underneath my jacket. We got to my house first and I told him I didn’t want to let him walk all the way to his house by himself in the cold so we just went inside mine.
We ran up to the bedroom and even though all we wanted to do was bundle up in anything we could find, we both knew that when you’re freezing, you’re supposed to get naked and huddle up together for warmth. Before I knew it, we were both naked, (I was in just my boxers since we both knew my dick couldn’t touch him without a condom) and cuddling under the blankets in my bed. It was nothing sexual at first, just cuddling. And then, we started to kiss. And our hands started to roam. And then I was over top of him, our bodies entangled together. He whispered, “I want to.” In my ear and pulled a condom from his sweater pocket which was laying on the ground, as if he had been planning for this. I told him I didn’t know and I was nervous. I told him I hadn’t been with anyone since getting sick. He said it was okay because he was nervous too. He was a virgin.
And that was how Elvis lost his virginity and I lost my AIDS virginity. It was beautiful, it was everything I hoped for. And he said it was amazing too, so I’m glad.
Never have I loved cold weather so much.
December 21st,
Okay, so turns out after over a year without sex, I have a LOT of built up sexual frustration. Ever since our first, Elvis and I have been going at it a lot. I’m talking like at least once a day. At least.
But with Christmas in a few days, Elvis says his family is going on vacation in Peru until the 30th. I don’t know how I’m supposed to live without him for that long, but he says I’ll manage. They’re leaving tomorrow night and we’re supposed to exchange Christmas presents tomorrow afternoon. Somehow, even with two jobs, I have no money. But luckily, I have an idea of what I can give him…
December 22nd,
Elvis and his family just left. I miss him already. But damn, I need some painkillers… I gave Elvis his present earlier; my bottom virginity.
It may have been painful at first, but it was worth it to see the look on his face. He said it was the best present he’d ever gotten. And boy, he showed how much he liked it when he didn’t let me leave his bedroom for hours. I can’t sit down, ouch.
December 23rd,
I’m so bored without him here. I guess I’ll just practice tattoos… Or take a nap. A nap sounds nice. Maybe I should take a week long nap. Wake me up when he’s back?
December 25th,
Merry Christmas to me. I’m all alone.
December 31st,
HE’S BACK!
I probably sound really clingy and shit, but you don’t understand how happy I am to have him back again. I don’t have any friends besides him, really. It sort of sucks. But then again, he’s all I need. Anyways, it’s New Year’s Eve! So I’m going to a party with him and I probably won’t write tomorrow because of my hangover.
January 2nd,
Told you I wouldn’t write yesterday. As I predicted, Elvis and I were both totally hungover. New Year’s Eve was awesome though. I met a bunch of Elvis’s friends. And then, Elvis and I made love as the ball dropped. I let him top. What can I say? Christmas makes me generous.
February 24th,
Sorry I haven’t written. I’m getting sick… Very sick.
Elvis is worried. I told him it’s nothing, but I’m not so sure.
March 17th,
I’m definitely sick. Doctor says I have two weeks. Elvis is scared. He looks almost as sick as me. I think I should just die and get it over with. I hate worrying him.
March 20th,
Well, I can’t even spend my last two weeks with Elvis now. Doctor says I have to stay in the hospital. Elvis is by my side most of the day though. Every second he can be. I stay strong while he’s here. But I’m really scared. When he leaves is the worst, that’s when I cry. I can’t tell him I’m scared though. I have to be strong for the both of us.
March 27th,
My two weeks are almost over. I can feel it in my bones, in my very core. I feel terrible. Elvis wants me to fight. I think he’s hoping by some miracle I won’t die. But what he doesn’t realize is there’s no way to stop this. It’s coming and there’s nothing he or I can do.
March 28th,
Can’t write. Can barely move. Elvis will write for me.
March 29th, (words are written in shaky handwriting, teardrops on the page.)
Xavier asked me to write down what he’s saying. But… I can’t really understand him. I don’t think he realizes how bad he sounds. His voice isn’t really there. It’s just a hoarse whisper and I can only make out certain words. He says he loves me. That’s all I got.
And now… now he’s saying… bye.
April 4th,
Turns out I didn’t have a full two weeks after all. I just woke up a few hours ago. Elvis isn’t here yet. I hope he’s okay. I hope I didn’t miss anything…
April 5th,
Elvis came yesterday. He hugged me and refused to let go. He cried a little bit too but he says he didn’t. I’m still pretty shaken up. I knew dying wouldn’t be pleasant but I guess I didn’t expect how terrifying it was…
But at least I’m here now, with Elvis in my arms.
April 14th,
Elvis and I have pretty much just been talking since I got back. We also got our matching tattoos finally. I like them.
He just told me earlier, that he did something while I was gone. One of his friends gave him heroin. He said it helped ease the pain. He says he liked it. He says he’s going to do it again.
I don’t think that’s a good idea. But I guess I’ll let him try it. Just one more time.
May 3rd,
Things have changed.
One more time turned into hundreds. Heroin turned into every drug in the book. He does them all the time now. I can barely find a time to spend with him when he’s not high on something. I miss him. I miss my Peter Pan.
May 10th,
I told him I was worried for him today. He says he’s fine and wants me to get high with him sometime. I said no and he got mad. He left.
May 12th,
He came back today. He said he was sorry and hugged me. We made love. I think things are better.
June 17th,
Things really are getting better. He’s still using but not as much. It’s like he’s back to normal again. I’m glad we’re back to how things used to be.
July 28th,
Okay so things aren’t better. I found out he’s still using. Even more than before. He’s just been hiding it from me… I told him he’s going to end up hurting himself. He says he’s fine.
July 31st,
He apologized again. He said he’s going to try and stop for me. He doesn’t want me to get mad at him over this. I really believe he’s going to stop. I trust him.
August 5th,
It’s our one year anniversary. I haven’t seen him yet today…
August 20th,
It’s over. I broke up with him today. I never thought I would do it… but I can’t take the drugs anymore. I fell in love with Elvis, not a drug addict. He says he’s not an addict but it’s bullshit. I decided I had to do this on our anniversary when I had to drive him to the hospital because he overdosed. I’ve never been so scared in my life. I was so glad he was okay that I gave him a few more weeks to get it together. But nothing’s changed, so I’m done.
The worst part?
I’m still so in love with him.
Every breath I take, my heart aches. I don’t know if I can do this. Who am I kidding? I KNOW I can’t do this… He was my everything.
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