“I missed you so much.” Dmitri was murmuring softly, a hand caressing Stein’s cheek.
“Don’t do that.” Stein shook his head, feeling his cheeks warm under Dmitri’s gentle touch. “That’s bullshit. You left… that was your choice. You were my fucking first everything and you just left. Do you know how shitty that is? I don’t even want to be talking to you.”
“Stein… I’m so sorry.” Dmitri sighed heavily. “I was scared. I’m still scared. But I love you. I thought if I left for a while, I could forget about you but I can’t. You were always on my mind. I was always longing to see you again, to hold you again. I realized that I’d never get over you. I couldn’t let you be the one that got away from me so I came back. But it was too late.”
“You’re… you’re with Ajax now.” Stein stammered lightly as he spoke, Dmitri making his entire body weak, like he had used to. It was hard not to feel this way when the man had him backed into a wall, so gently touching his face.
“He’s nothing compared to you.” Dmitri shook his head. “If you’d say you’ll take me back I’ll drop him right now.”
“Dmitri…” Stein knew he wasn’t thinking clearly. But it was so hard to when his eyes kept being drawn to Dmitri’s lips. He could still remember so vividly what they felt like against his skin. He wanted that again… “I missed you too.” He finally admitted with a soft sigh.
“I’m so glad.” Dmitri murmured.
And then those lips were crashing down upon his and Stein couldn’t even try to fight it. He didn’t want to. His arms had flown around Dmitri’s neck as soon as the man had kissed him. He was helpless when it came to Dmitri.
As their kiss made its way to the bed and turned into many shorter kisses all over Stein’s body, Stein couldn’t help but think of Sinclair.
As Dmitri’s tongue worked skillfully inside of him, Stein tried to remind himself that he and Sinclair were on a break. He tried to convince himself that this wasn’t cheating.
But when Dmitri was finally sliding inside of him, expertly hitting each and every sensitive spot in his body, all Stein could think of was the Russian and how he made him feel. He had not had this type of contact since Dmitri had left him the first time and he’d nearly forgotten the utter bliss it brought him.
The sex was slow and passionate, with Stein seemingly drifting off into a peaceful world inside his mind where Dmitri had never left him in the first place.
Meanwhile, Sinclair had been a wreck since Stein had told him he needed a break from them for a while. Sinclair had been getting worried that Stein was getting tired of their slow pace. They had yet to even kiss and they’d been together for nearly a year. Stein had just been granted permission to hold his hand and come into his room. Sinclair knew Stein wanted to be touched. He wanted at least kissing, if not more and Sinclair had been terrified because he simply was not ready yet.
When Stein had told him about needing a break, Sinclair had been too heartbroken to fight it. He had simply said okay and hung his head and walked away like he always did. Because he was too scared to ask Stein to stay. But now, he’d realized that he needed Stein in his life. He couldn’t live without him but if he didn’t suck it up and get over his fears and give Stein what he needed, he could lose the boy forever.
So after a day of preparation and advice from Sawyer, he was making his way over to Stein’s house. He had it all planned out. He would run inside and up to Stein’s room, running in without knocking on the door exactly three times like he always had to, and then he would take Stein into his arms and kiss him for the first time. And then he would tell him that he was ready to commit, ready to touch him, ready to do anything Stein wanted him to do if it meant he would stay.
He was nervous, terrified really. But he was also excited. He was making a step in the right direction. He was going to get Stein back. He had truly made an effort to make this special, a bouquet of daisies in his hand.
He knew that the house was empty today except for Stein, he’d made sure of it. Zach and Roman were at Jesse’s and Jace was at Piper’s. It was perfect.
He stepped into the front door without fear, not flinching as he touched the doorknob. He made his way up the stairs with a bright grin on his face, even letting himself run his hand along the germ covered railing. And when he finally reached Stein’s room, he fought the temptation to knock three times and he simply burst inside, ready to go through with his plan when the sight in front of him made him freeze.
“D-Dmitri.” Stein was trembling, nails leaving angry red streaks down Dmitri’s back as the man’s hips rocked slowly.
Sinclair’s flowers fell to the floor just as Stein made horrified eye contact with him, hurriedly shoving Dmitri off of him.
“Sinclair… it’s not…” Stein stammered as he tried to get off of the bed.
“I have to go.” Sinclair trembled as he stumbled backwards out of the door before darting down the stairs as fast as his shaking legs could carry him.
His chest was tight and he felt his throat constricting. He couldn’t breathe. He tried to close his eyes and calm down but all he could see was Dmitri’s bare ass thrusting and Stein’s beautiful face contorted with pleasure that Sinclair knew he could never bring him. He was not Dmitri. He was not what Stein wanted and he had been foolish to think he could ever be that.
He was forced to stop at the bottom of the stairs to try and catch his breath and prevent the panic attack that was happening but it was too late. He needed Sawyer desperately. He needed help to stop his panic attacks but the only person permitted to touch him during those was Sawyer. Not even his mother could help him then.
He tried to remember his mother’s tips for helping him calm down. Inhale for five seconds, exhale for five seconds. As he was trying to get himself under control, Stein arrived at his side.
“Sinclair, are you okay? You’re having a panic attack, aren’t you?”
“D-don’t. Go away.” Sinclair shook his head, forcing himself to move away from the boy. Stein placed a hand on his shoulder, a gesture that Sinclair would normally have permitted. But now, he violently lurched away from it, his head spinning. “Don’t touch me, please. You’re dirty. He touched you. He was in you. Oh no.” He felt his body threatening to vomit and he forced himself to run out the front door before he did so.
Thankfully, Sawyer had heard the spike in his twin’s heartbeat and met him outside, panting heavily.
“Thinclair? Clair, what’th wrong?” He spoke worriedly, his tone gentle as he realized his brother was having an attack. “Okay, breathe. Remember, you gotta breathe, Clair.”
Sinclair nodded, hiding his face in his twin’s chest as Sawyer coached him through the motions until he was breathing normally again and the tears began to flow.
“I gotta go. Stein might try and come out here.” Sinclair trembled.
“Alright, come on.” Sawyer took his brother into his arms and started the walk home. “You gonna tell me what happened?” He questioned gently.
“I was too late I guess. He was having sex with Dmitri. He was obviously never over him. I thought he really was… that he really wanted to be with just me. For someone with a genius level IQ, I feel so fucking stupid, Sawyer.” Sinclair’s face was pressed into his hands as he spoke, trembling all the while.
“You’re not fucking thtupid. Thtein ith fucking thtupid for not realithing that I’m going to kick hith ath now. That fucking Ruthian’s ath too.” Sawyer growled softly. He didn’t understand how anyone could hurt Sinclair. He had never met anyone so pure and sweet before. Sinclair was the best thing in his life. “I knew you were too good for him.” He shook his head.
“No… I’m not too good for him. I’m not good enough. You can’t hurt him, he’s so precious.” Sinclair sighed into Sawyer’s chest. “I didn’t love him like he deserves to be loved. I’d do it if he’d just give me another chance… I want to get him back. You have to help me, Sawyer. I need him back.”
“No way in hell.” Sawyer shook his head. “I’m not going to let you forth yourthelf to have thex with him becauthe you think you have to. He doethn’t detherve you, Clair.”
“But I want him… I love him.” Sinclair sighed heavily.
But no matter what Sawyer said, Sinclair’s mind was made up. He was going to get Stein back.
So a few days later when Stein called him and informed him he was sorry and no one was home again and he wanted to talk, Sinclair jumped on the chance to come over.
He was going to go through with his plan again. Run into the home, into Stein’s room and take him into his arms for a kiss. Except this time he had more than just a kiss in mind.
His stomach was twisting so nervously that he thought he might puke but he simply hoped he didn’t because he knew he had to go through with this or risk losing Stein forever.
As planned, when he arrived at Stein’s front door he simply ran inside, up to the boy’s room and swung the door open. He smiled when he saw Stein on the bed, quickly stepping over to take him into his arms, spinning him slightly as he brought him in for a passionate kiss, their first.
Stein was stunned when they pulled apart, blinking at Sinclair.
“Sinclair? You didn’t have to do that.” He shook his head.
“I did Stein. Because you’re the best thing to ever happen to me and I’m so completely in love with you and I can’t lose you just because I’m too much of a baby to let you touch me.”
“You’re not a baby, Sinclair. You just don’t like physical contact and I should have known that it would take you a while to get intimate with me when we started this. It was my fault.” Stein frowned.
“No. It wasn’t.” Sinclair shook his head furiously. “It was mine. If you want to be loved like that I… I should do it for you. I want to make you happy, Stein.” His hands were shaking very violently as he moved to undo his belt. “I-I’m ready, okay?” His pants were already down to his knees before Stein realized what he was doing.
“Oh no, Sinclair, you don’t have to do that!” He protested. “Oh god, please don’t think that’s what this is about. Really, you don’t have to if you’re not ready.”
“I-I do have to though, Stein. I’m really trying to step out of my comfort zone because I need you in my life and if this is what it takes then I’ll do it every day if I have to. I just need you.” As he spoke he was stumbling out of his clothes, cursing the violent shaking of his hands. Even just being seen nearly naked by Stein was terrifying for him but he was pushing through it, knowing it would be worth it soon.
“You don’t have to do this for me, Sinclair!” Stein exclaimed, stepping over to the boy and grabbing his discarded clothes off of the floor. “I promise, I don’t want you to make yourself do this.”
Although Stein was just trying to talk some sense into his boyfriend, Sinclair took this the wrong way, stuttering lightly as he spoke.
“It’s because of him, isn’t it? I-I know I’m not nearly as attractive as he is or as muscular or as strong or as fast. And I won’t be as good as him because it’s my first time, I know. B-but I can still try to be good for you. I-I promise I’m going to try to do my best. I’ll get better I’m sure!” Sinclair was pleading with the boy who could now only stare with an aching heart, wondering how he could undo the damage he’d obviously done to Sinclair’s mental state. Watching his lover put himself through hell, tears forming in his eyes, was too much for him. He felt like complete shit. By now, Sinclair had slid his hands into the waistband of his boxers, trying desperately to take them off, fighting with himself. “I’m going to be as good as him for you someday, I promise. If he’s what you want, I-I can be that.” He took a deep breath as he nodded, trying to stare earnestly into Stein’s eyes without trembling.
“Sinclair please put your clothes back on.” Stein spoke gently. “I love you, okay? I love you so much that I don’t need to be physical with you. I… the thing with Dmitri was a mistake. I don’t want to be with him anymore but it’s hard to let go of your first love. I wanted to believe he’d changed but I know he’d end up leaving again like last time and I can’t do that to myself. You make me feel things he never has without having to be intimate like that. I’m so sorry you had to see me fuck up like that and I’m so sorry I made you feel like this.” Stein was nearly on the verge of crying himself. Sinclair truly was so precious and innocent, never wishing harm on anyone. And here he was, forcing himself to strip down because he thought Stein would leave him if he didn’t. “Please get dressed and sit down and talk with me?”
“You looked so happy… when I walked in on you with him.” Sinclair swallowed as he sat down on the edge of the bed, trying to calm himself once more. “I want to make you look like that. You were looking at him like he was… everything to you and like you loved him and you’ve never looked at me like that.” Sinclair sighed softly. “I want to be able to make you feel like that.”
“Oh Sinclair…” Stein’s heart ached as he slowly reached out, making sure it was okay before pulling Sinclair in for a hug, gently stroking his back. “That… that look in my eyes, it wasn’t love. It was lust. I don’t want to lie to you, sex does feel good for me and I… enjoy it with him, he’s the only guy I’ve ever been with before.”
Just that thought made Sinclair’s heart sting. He wanted to claim Stein as his own, so Dmitri wouldn’t have the satisfaction anymore of being Stein’s first and only. But God, it was so disgusting…
“But it was just lust that day. I’m not in love with him anymore. I’m in love with you Sinclair. You can have sex with people you don’t love and you can love someone with all of your heart without having sex with them. I can wait for you, okay? I’m going to wait. I can tell you really want to try, Sinclair. And just the fact that you were trying to force yourself to do it today because you thought it’s what I wanted is enough to make me realize you’re really trying.”
Sinclair nodded slowly, looking like a small child as he rested his head against Stein’s shoulder.
