Missing You.

I'm unsure if you're still awake to read this tonight, but whenever you do get to read it, I hope it makes you feel better at least for a few minutes. <3
I love you a lot and you are the best friend I could ever ask for.

This was the fifth night in a row that Jeremy had woken in the middle of the night, looking around wildly before realizing that the nightmare he’d been having wasn’t real.
Well, they weren’t really nightmares. In fact, they were some of the best dreams he’d ever had. But that’s what made them so terrible. They were so much better than his reality.
They were what his reality had used to be. They were what he wished his reality still was.
He stared up at the ceiling, hardly noticing Kendrick’s strong arms curled around his waist. He laid there for a few long minutes, wishing he could go back to the dream he’d been having where it was Finn still sharing his bed. Finn had been sitting on the edge of this very bed, watching Morgue practice his newest routine for the freakshow. However, somehow they’d gotten distracted and he’d just made his way over to the bed to join his lover when he’d woken up.
He knew it was unfair to Kendrick to be laying here so miserable and missing Finn while he had the man by his side, always trying to comfort him. But he couldn’t help it. Finn was the love of his life and there was nothing Kendrick could do to change that.
Eventually, he could no longer stand to just lay here with nothing but his thoughts and the sound of Kendrick’s snoring for company. He gently moved the man’s arms so he could slide out of bed without disturbing him. Then he made his way down the hall to Cameron’s old bedroom. Now it had become sort of a storage room for his freakshow equipment. He grabbed a duffel bag that held several of his swords, unzipping it and grabbing the pack of cigarettes and lighter he’d hidden in there. He’d been trying his best to quit and he knew he should have gotten rid of these but he couldn’t bring himself to do it. He wanted to keep them, just in case. He was seeing now that this had been a good idea. He needed a smoke.
He made his way downstairs and out to the porch before lighting up. He knew Kendrick would smell the smoke on him the next morning and be disappointed, but the man wouldn’t have the heart to yell at him. Kendrick never did anything but dote on him, afraid of driving him away or damaging him even more. And even though that’s what Morgue thought he’d always wanted, it drove him crazy. He missed Finn and the way the boy fought with him, walked all over him. Finn had spoiled him with a love so wonderful that nothing else could possibly compare.
After his third cigarette, he realized it wasn’t doing anything to stop the unbearable pain in his chest. He needed something stronger. He felt his eyes stinging with tears threatening to fall, his cheeks and ears tinted red from the cold that had gotten the chance to bite at him all the time he’d been smoking.
He found himself rummaging in the fridge, pulling out a six pack of beer. He was never much of a drinker, they were more for Kendrick or for special occasions or when they had guests over. But tonight, he would do anything to numb his pain.
Before long he’d downed the entire pack and before he knew it was stumbling his way outside and over to Jesse’s house. He was too drunk to care that he was going to be trespassing on a wolf pack’s property, and would most likely be pissing off an alpha werewolf. He couldn’t take it anymore. He needed to see Finn.

Finn was curled up in the soft white sheets of his and Jesse’s bed, finding himself unable to sleep with his lover away with Roman for the night. He had considered going to get Cameron but he was fairly sure he’d spotted Sawyer creeping down the hallway to the boy’s room a while ago. He certainly didn’t want to walk in on that. And he definitely did not want Sawyer to see him desperately asking for his son to come cuddle him.
So he had stayed put and entertained himself by holding Jesse’s pillow pressed against his face, letting the scent of the man’s cologne that lingered there calm him.
He nearly fell out of the bed as he heard the harsh sound of a rock landing against his window. At first he had thought someone was entering the room and he had been terrified, thinking he’d been caught pathetically missing his lover.
But the second he saw the second rock hit the window and realized that was what the first noise had been, he knew. Somehow he knew it was Jeremy.
He was up and peeking out the window within seconds, his heart stopping to see the bleach blonde head of hair several feet below. By now the man had slumped over on the ground in his drunken stupor, gathering more rocks to toss, not noticing Finn had already noticed.
“What in the hell are you doing out there, Marilyn?” Finn spoke the same harsh words he would have spoken if they were still together. But now his tone wasn’t so angry. It was genuinely concerned, wondering why his former lover and the father of his first child was on his knees on the ground outside of his new lover’s house.
Morgue’s head shot up, his smile seeming even brighter than usual in the dark of the night.
“I need to see you.” He spoke softly and the second his words hit Finn’s ears, he knew that the man was wasted. At least it made sense why the man had come to see him now. “Can you come down here? Please?”
“I fucking guess so.” Finn let out a heavy sigh, knowing he had to go down though. He couldn’t risk one of the mutts in this house hearing what was going on. He had to get Morgue away from here. Plus, the man deserved an explanation. They’d never really gotten closure. Finn had ran right into Jesse’s arms. “Just stay right the hell there, okay?” Once he got a sluggish nod he made his way downstairs and out into the yard where Morgue now sat cross-legged in the grass, waiting for him with tears tracking down his cheeks. Oh hell, he couldn’t do this. “Are you alright?” He spoke finally. He didn’t quite know what else to say to start this conversation, even though he already knew the answer to this question was no.
Morgue let out a bitter laugh, shaking his head before speaking.
“Am I alright? No, Finn, I’m not alright. I haven’t been alright in years. I forget what being happy feels like.” The man spoke bitterly, looking down at his lap as he dug his nails into the dewy grass around him, tearing up blades as if that would be a sufficient outlet for his hurt.
“Well why did you want me tonight? You haven’t seen me in all these years, why now?” Finn tried to pretend that Jeremy’s words did not fill him with unbearable guilt.
“Because I can’t take it anymore, Finn!” Jeremy seemingly snapped, moving forward to take Finn’s hands in his own, forcing himself to look into his old lover’s eyes. “I have to know why? Just why? Wh-what did I do? I was always trying to love you more and you never let me. But you let him! Why? I-Is it because of the way I look?” The man grimaced as he asked this question, terrified that the answer might be yes. He had always thought Finn enjoyed his creepy look. But hell, if that was all it was he could get to a gym. He’d make it work somehow. Anything to bring the tiny blonde back to him.
“J-Jeremy.” Finn, for once in his life, was speechless. What was he supposed to say? How was he supposed to look this broken man he had used to love, still loved, in the eyes and tell him he loved another man more now? How was he supposed to explain that there was no explanation other than that somehow Jesse made him feel differently, some way he’d never felt with Jeremy? “I… I don’t fucking know why.” He stammered out finally, his eyes wide like a deer caught in headlights. “Listen, don’t think there’s anything fucking wrong with you, Marilyn. I still love you and your creepy ass smile.” He would have continued but Morgue cut him off with a grimace.
“Don’t say that. Please don’t tell me you still love me. Because that makes it worse. That just means you love him more than you ever loved me and I… I can’t take that.” It made his chest ache just to think about it. He couldn’t wrap his brain around how any love could be stronger than the love they had for each other. But then again, maybe his heart had just been more in it than Finn’s had. “Is it… the mate thing? Is that what it is? Is that werewolf bullshit real? Because I think someone made a fucking mistake when pairing soulmates.” The bleach blonde growled softly, having hung his head again by now. Finn could only watch the tears dripping off the tip of his nose and hitting the grass beneath them. “I thought I was your soulmate but I guess he is… but you’re still mine, Finn. I don’t know how you can be both of our soulmates, but you are. It hurts to be without you. I’m sick of having to pretend I’m fine because I’m not. I’m not!” Jeremy was never afraid to express his feelings, but even he would have been embarrassed of how pathetic he looked then, leaning forward until he could bury his face in Finn’s chest, arms wrapping around his waist.
Finn was shocked, but allowed his arms to wrap around the man, pressing him close. He wanted to assure him he was loved, but he had just asked him not to say that. So all he did was stroke his back gently. He had never been good at comforting people, being it had never been something he had to do before Morgue had come along in the first place. The man was sobbing by then, wetting Finn’s shirt with his tears.
“I just thought it real for us. E-even though you wouldn’t marry me, I thought you intended to stay forever. We had Cam…” He cringed then as he thought of Parker. He wondered if Jesse had had to fight as hard as he did to get Finn to keep that baby. He wondered if they’d been trying for it. That thought had him feeling like he might be sick. “Just tell me what to do, Finn. I’ll do anything. Do you want me to get bitten? I’ll do it. And I’ll start working out more so I can look better for you. And I’ll make sure to love you like he does. I’ll do everything he does, everything that makes you love him more, you just have to tell me.” He was rambling now, still sobbing heavily, making his words almost hard to understand. But Finn heard every one of them. But instead of responding, he merely stood, tugging the lanky man up with him.
“Come on, Marilyn. I’m taking you home.” With the noise the man was making, he was sure to wake someone up inside eventually. And he wouldn’t let the man be embarrassed by someone seeing how he was acting in his drunken state. And what if Cam had woken up and came out to see his father like this? He had to get the man out of here.
“N-no. Not home.” Jeremy shook his head furiously. “Kendrick is there… He’ll wake up and he’ll yell at me for going to get you.” He paused then, his face curling with anger as he realized what he’d just said was a lie. He swung his foot, kicking up a clump of dirt and grass as he slumped over onto Finn’s shoulder. “Nevermind, no he fucking won’t. He never yells at me, never gets pissed like you did.” He muttered softly and Finn’s chest ached at the man’s words.
He’d truly broken his former lover. Because of him, the man had this fucked up idea of what love was. Now he thought Kendrick didn’t love him because he didn’t treat him like shit.
Finn was beginning to despise himself. Jeremy deserved so much better. He wished he could just erase himself from the man’s mind, even if it would hurt to be forgotten.
“Okay, well then I’ll take you to Mathias’s place.” Finn nodded, continuing to practically drag the man along.
“Mmkay.” The blonde simply nodded, resting his head on Finn’s shoulder and allowing himself to be led to Mathias’s father’s mansion.
Ten minutes later and Finn was breathing rather heavily as he finally pounded on his brother’s door, by now supporting nearly all of Jeremy’s weight.
Mathias opened the door a few minutes later in only his boxers, lines creasing his forehead with worry.
“Finney?” He was happy to see his brother but frowned at the sight of Morgue, immediately taking the man into his arms so Finn did not have to support him anymore. “What’s going on?”
“Can shithead stay here for the night?” Finn questioned, his voice so gentle that it nearly startled Mathias. He only nodded for a moment.
“Course he can. I miss you guys.” He smiled softly, leading Finn and carrying Jeremy upstairs to a guest bedroom. He laid him on the bed where he was still crying, though he had quieted down by now.
“Thanks Matt.” Finn sighed softly, watching his former lover for a moment before turning to head on his way home.
“W-wait!” Morgue stammered out, sitting up to reach out for the boy. “Can’t you stay? Just for tonight?”
Finn’s lips parted, though he realized then that he didn’t have anything to say. He simply moved forward, crawling into the bed beside the man, even though he knew he’d have to answer to Jesse in the morning. The alpha got all of his nights now, he could spare one.
“I love you.” Jeremy murmured softly, grayish blue eyes watery as he looked over to the boy. He had missed this, getting to hold Finn in his arms like this. He wanted to cherish it but he was suddenly so tired.
“I love you too.” Finn sighed, pressing a gentle kiss to the man’s forehead, smiling softly at the familiar feeling of hip bones jabbing into him. God, it had been forever since he felt that.
Only minutes later and Jeremy was out, snoring softly with Finn clutched tightly to his chest. Finn though, was still awake, watching the man with a gentle look in his eyes. A part of him missed this too, would always miss this, even when he had Jesse’s strong arms around him. This was his first love, his Marilyn.
And he knew the man well enough to know that if he woke up tomorrow, he would be ashamed and embarrassed and would hate to have to face Finn if he could remember how he’d acted tonight. So in the middle of the night, Finn slid himself from the man’s embrace, dropping one last kiss to his cheek before heading back to his new home, curling up under Jesse’s sheets and waiting, now with a soft smile on his face.