September. We meet. He is drug bloodied and dying to my doorstep and his fate laid in my hands. I give him the bite and watch nervously as he blooms into a creature of the night. I had never shown him that I cared about weather he lived or died that day, but I did. For him to die would have made it easy for me to give up on happiness and companionship for the rest of my life, but instead he lived and I was gifted with a reason to keep going, even if I was unaware of it at the time. I never thought he would like me, or want to stay. I knew before I asked that he would be leaving with Bellamy. I never considered that i'd be so inclined to follow him though. I had no control over myself. I had to make sure he would be safe so that you could return home to me.
Home.
I was already thinking of him as mine, even before I became aware of it, because meeting him was like listening to a song for the first time and knowing it would forever be my favorite.
October. We spend Halloween together. I've started watching his face, examining carefully what happiness looks like on his lips. I memorize the tilt of his head when he is reading a good book and the sound of his voice when he sings along to a favorite song, how he brightens at the mention of Bellamy.
All of these things I see and I swear that somehow I will make him this happy. I want to believe that I have yet to give up on my determination to stay distant, but its so clear that im merely fooling myself. Thatcher is contagious in every sense of the word.
November. I think this is it. I am crowning him king of my heart, a thing I swore and promised time and time again that I would never do. He doesnt even know whats happened, why i've shifted in the way I look at him. He says he understands the darkness that I have lived through all of these years but I dont think he quite grasps it all. I have become a hateful bastard but when I look at him, with his heavenly smile and his golden hair that fits the role of a gleaming and royal halo dazzling against the blackness that has plagued me for all this time. He is brighter than any star. He outshines them all.
He outshines Trafalgar in a way I hadnt thought possible.
I touch him this time, unexpected and without any sort of warning. He was smiling and playing with me hair, telling me about his favorite Christmas present as a child and I surged forward to capture his lips.
I dont believe what happened until it's done and we're connected through the warm electricity in our mouths. It takes only those few seconds of realization though to remind me that I was overstepping my own boundaries.
Like I fool I fled, red faced and stuttering out some excuse. I left my home entirely, in the hopes that he would forget it ever happened.
He never did.
December. I refuse to talk about what happened between us and he doesn't force me. I can tell he thinks about it sometimes though because i'll catch him watching me from the corner of his eyes. Usually he is wearing this blissful little smile, as though it meant something to him as it had for me.
I refuse to let myself be so foolishly hopeful.
But I still can't help but think of what i'd like to do with him, how I want to touch him and the sounds I could elicit.
Eventually we touch again.
And again.
I always leave, or I did before he started reaching out to stop me
January. New year. Sort of the same us but over time there has grown some strange happiness. Laughter. Love. Lots and lots of love. But I refuse to acknowledge the truth of these feelings and instead I make the resolution that I will stop caring about my beta in such a way, I have to.
Thatcher will be leaving sometime soon, and I am already struggling to condition myself to the reality of it.
This was what I had feared, why I have been so resistant.
And yet it has only damaged my cause any. I am still hopelessly feeling for Thatcher, except now I have handed over any chance we had to be together before the soldier is scheduled to go.
February. Valentine’s day. He should've been Showering the soldier with kisses, but instead he was standing in the middle of a busy air port preparing to say goodbye . Thatcher keeps trying to catch his gaze but he wont let it happen because fuck- he's so scared he's nearly quivering and he would never live it down if the man saw that. But in the end it didnt matter, the soldier caught his face, holding him close and forcing their gazes too meet.
Eustass was kissing him then, desperate and surging with fear.
The alpha was overwhelmed by the panic that Thatcher would leave now and never come home, he'd be gone, leaving Eustass to wonder about all the places he'd never gotten to lay lips on.
He'd die not knowing how the alpha felt.
Eustass couldn't handle that, so he curled his arms around Thatcher's waist and he swept the soldier entirely off his feet. They didn't part until the final boarding call sounded, and Thatch was forced to either pull way or miss his fight.
Even though the alpha knew it was coming, he could have never been prepared for how it felt.
He let go.
March. The month in which I was born. Thatch had asked of it before and upon learning the date he'd mentioned wanting to plan something special. Well, the day had finally arrived and it turned out the alpha was waking alone, another year older with no one to celebrate with. He'd received a letter from his soldier, apologizing for his absence and assuring that he was doing fine, Bellamy was keeping him 'in line.' The alpha had began writing a return letter several times but he'd yet to finish anything, so far all of his attempts had ended up crumpled and in the trash bin by his bed. He doesnt sleep well when Thatch is away. He doesnt sleep at all.
There is no peace being apart from his beta.
April. I wished I could say that I was going strong. I wanted to prove myself wrong and know that I wasnt already so attached to Thatcher that I coulnt live without him.
I am failing.
I miss our late night conversations, playful wrestling on a lazy Sunday afternoon, laying on my beta's floor in the dead of night just to hear his breathing and remind myself that I am no longer alone. With my soldier gone, I no longer have anyone around for whenever my thoughts get the better of me, or I suffer a nightmare that shatters my foundation. There is no one to distract me from the ghosts that haunt my every waking moment.
The only thing that keeps me going is the steady sound of Thatch's heartbeat. I can hear it even now, when we're half a world away from each other.
May. Late nights, still alone, Thatcher isnt home. Cracks have appeared in my foundation. I struggle with myself more often, in a way I've never done before. The days blur together and I cling to every new letter. I finally sent out one of my own, though it was only a few words in my scratchy and tormented scrawl.
"Come home to me, Soldier."
I don't even try to sleep anymore, only wait for the next letter and try to keep the dreams at bay.
June. I had gotten stuck in a cycle of depression, but it finally came to a halt when I got the notice that my solder would be returning soon, possibly next month even. I still couldnt breathe any easier but now at least I had something to look forward to. I filled my nights with planning a little welcome home party for the boy only to find myself feeling foolish enough to trash everything.
I always started again the next morning.
July. He doesn't have to look for me when he lands at the airport. Its embarrassing and I promised myself it wouldnt happen but I was sweeping him off his feet before he ever had the chance to say my name or scan the crowd. Our lips meet in an explosion of fire, and I nearly trip with how dazed I am after the kiss. I manage though, and even though my cheeks burned the entire time, I carried him to my car and held his hand the entire way.
Only after catching a few more kisses in the parking lot, of course.
I cannot control myself once I have him home, and my wolf refuses to be tamed as it feels he has returned to me. This is more than I should feel for a simple beta, even more intense than the aching adoration i'd felt for Trafalgar.
That night I forgot every concern I may have had in favor of spreading him out on my mattress. I hollow out his thighs and spend special time kissing my way down the length of his body, leaving love bites everywhere in my wake. They do not heal as they normally would. I am an alpha, and he cannot get rid of me or my mark so easily.
I build a mantra from the sounds he's making and I nearly find myself praying to him when we finally connect. This is me worshiping him and surrendering to his army. This is me loving him, unbridled.
I whisper to him until his eyes are fluttering shut with exhaustion, his heartbeat the only thing left to keep me company. It is enough though, especially after the absence we've endured. I breathlessly kiss his lips. They are warm.
I kneel.
I surrender.
August. The weather doesn’t mirror our relationship. Outside it is stormy, but in my room, the sky is clear, bright and blue. There's no rain in sight but the many tears shed between the two of us more than make up for the lack of rainfall. When he smiles, my entire world catches fire and there is nothing but warmth. For days we are a scrambled entanglement of limbs. We wake together in the morning, and I fall asleep now every night with my arm protectively curled around his waist. I press him close to me as if this will make up for the many nights we both spent alone.
I have no more time to waste running from him.
Occasionally though, the fear creeps its way in and I find myself untangling from out mess to dismiss myself into the kitchen.
He never lets me go though. I never really want him to.
September. We are clinging onto each other for dear life. I am in love but I refuse to say so. He asked about the mating bond once and I refused to speak of it. Considering the look that crossed his face, how his smile faltered even if only for a second, i'd say he was hurt.
Hell, I know he had been pained, I felt it. But the guilt that comes with acknowledging it is too much to bare. I try to make up for it, he lets me.
He wants to play a game and I can do nothing but agree.
Rules are simple.
He says something, and I get to clarify if its true or untrue, real or not real.
"You love me?"
"True."
"Thats why you're scared to talk about the possibility of us being mates?"
"Im done playing your game, Thatcher."
The snapped response was answer enough.
October. A year marking the night I first laid eyes on my beta, my soldier, my bestfriend. This is the time it is taken me to realize and fully accept that I am going to love him, I love Thatcher, and there isnt a damn thing in the world that could change that. My father loved the Greek myths and he told me of them often. Out of them all I had thought one particularly stupid. In my life I have wanted to be the strongest, the leader, so when my father told me of Icarus, the man who flew too close to the sun and burned up, I thought it completely stupid. He could have done as told and stayed a safe distance and then he would have survived to see better days.
It is a story that now reminds me of myself.
Thatcher is a soldier and he is destined to be away from me. Its a hard life but I love him. He burns brighter than start and yet I still face it head on. If Thatcher is to be the sun, always shining down on me and warming my life, I will run the risk of being Icarus. I might be a fool, fated to fall and burn up before im ever able to truly reach him and love him as I like, but im willing to take that chance. Even on wings crafted of wax, I would fly towards him.
November. I sometimes feel the need to throw my voice to the stars now and scream out how much I love him. After so much loss I want him to know, every single day of his life how much I adore him. Maybe the echo of my words could be caught in the shine and written for him in the clouds by sunrise. All I want him to know is that no matter what, i'll love him through everything. Even his darkest moments.
December. Another year comes to an end but our relationship does not. Once again I wake up next to him on Christmas day. He is laying in my bed, with his head settled comfortably in the rook of my shoulder. his golden hair is pouring over the pillows in long rivets, and I find myself stroking my fingers though it as I listen to the soft and steady sound of his breathing. Thatcher's face is peaceful, even content, and when I caress his cheek, all the way down to his neck and chest, I can feel his heart beating. I am holding him close, as close as I can possibly hold him without our actually being connected. We are warm and im happy in a way i've never been before. It makes all of the shit days worth it. I feel so alive when I’m with him. I love him, I do… I don't give a damn what I have to go through to keep him. I'll do it. I'd even enlist if I could keep him safe. And even now like this, I dont mind waiting weeks and months to be with him again. No matter how may fights I engage him in, I swear i'll always love him through them, even if im promising to hate you at the time. We both know im full of shit. I don't sleep on the weeks before he has to leave me so that I can etch every inch of his being into my mind. I commit it all to memory, to keep me going until the next time I can hold him so closely. I'd drive a week just to see him for an hour. I'll keep him smiling even on the days when he feels like giving up, when he's too sad and heartbroken to talk, i'll hold him through it. I will love him no matter how hard things get. I have always been an ass, and im doubtful and pathetically indecisive because of the things i've been through. But us? Im so fucking certain about us. I've never been so sure of anything in my entire life. I cherish the dimples that come along with your grin and how your eyes crinkle just the slightest bit at the corners when you laugh. I am never giving up on us because for me he is it. He is end game. I have run before, but I always come home to him. Thatch is the one person I want to spent the rest of my life with. I want to be the one he can count on when times get rough. I want to be the reason for all of his happiness. He is all that matters in the world to me. I've never felt this way about anyone or anything, even Trafalgar. He is tarnished silver compared to how golden Thatch is. I will go through hell and back as long as I have him there to hold. I will be here. Through the good, the bad and the ugly. I'll take care of him always. I love him more than anything.
Im never letting him go, and our love will never end.
