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 Break Even

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Boyd Odair

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Posts : 60
Join date : 2016-07-30

PostSubject: Break Even    Mon Nov 21, 2016 4:20 am

Jett wanted to talk.  For others that may have been a red flag, some foreshadowing for hell to come
But not Boyd.  Boyd looked at Jett and he felt safe.  Not in the sense that Jett was protecting him from outside forces, but safe in the sense that he could truly love Jett.  It had taken time, and the terrible relapse he'd gone through because of Malakai's party to finally open his eyes, but he'd realized it was time to move on.
And still it had taken time.  Boyd had thought it impossible.
But then Jett had walked into his life, strong and confident.  The first thing the boy had done was lay Boyd bare. He'd stripped Boyd down and saw through him, saw that everything wasn't happy and fine.  He'd saw that Boyd was struggling-
And instead of letting him drown, Jett had pulled him out of the water and suddenly he could breathe again.
With Jett, he could breathe.  
For Boyd, Jett had never been a rebound.  The boy wasn't just someone he could kiss in the hopes of getting over Malakai.
His love for Jett had nothing to do with Mal.  For once in his life, Boyd was doing something that was just for him. Malakai couldn't touch that, no matter how he tried.  Weeks earlier, he and Jett had gone to the local the aquarium for a date.  It was one of Boyd's favorite places, and he wanted to share that with Jett.  They saw the dolphins and spent time with the sea turtles. They'd even sat together by the stingray exhibit, where Boyd's had stared at Jett while Jett gazed out at the gorgeous creatures swimming through crystal clear water.  Malakai had text him then, having had a bad date and needing someone to come get him. Boyd almost felt guilty when he read it, because for the first time in his life, he had absolutely no want to go and get the boy.  The decision not to respond wasn't difficult to make.  Boyd never second guessed it.  He did care that Malakai was safe though, so he made sure to forward the text to Oleander before turning his phone off.  Boyd had gone back to watching Jett.  They were allowed to pet the stingrays, but so far Jett had made no attempt to do so.  But he seemed enchanted by the creatures, just as Boyd had been his first time.  Boyd had taken Jett's hand then, dimples appearing at his cheeks with how widely he grinned at the boy.  He'd gently guided Jett's hand into the water, and was rewarded when a joyful noise escaped the werewolf the first time his fingers glided over a stingray.
So Boyd had no reason to fear this talk.  He was confident in their relationship.

"I need to talk and you just need to listen for now, okay?"

Having been chasing after Malakai for years to only receive heartache, Boyd really should have seen this coming.  He should have learned by now.
But he'd always been innocent in the way he saw people, only noticing the the best in them and willing to forgive the rest.  Malakai should have been enough to prepare him for the hurt in life, for all the heartbreak he would go through-
And yet Boyd never expected it.  Even if anyone had tried to tell him Jett would break his heart, he wouldn't believe it.
He wouldn't.
Jett Jones was flawless and caring.  He had noticed Boyd's addiction and instead of using that to manipulate him, Jett had saved him from himself.  Jett was the angel that Boyd had always thought Mal to be.  

"Fuck, but first I need this."  Boyd may have thought more about it, but Jett's hand was on the back of his neck, a reassuring pressure that always brought the to back to himself when he was lost in dark places.  Jett had his hand on the back of his neck, and he was dragging Boyd in for a kiss.  When their lips met, it was like coming up for fresh air.  It was always like that, electric and soul consuming.  No matter how many times they kissed, it only ever got better.  
Boyd all but whimpered when Jett pulled away, his lips burning and his body aching for more. If he'd have known this was to be their last kiss, Boyd would have never let him go.  He would've found a way to make the moment last forever, laws of time be damned. But Boyd didn't know, and Jett still needed to talk.

"Okay, now talking time." The words came out mumbled, and a long pause followed them.  Boyd understood that Jett was preparing himself for their talk, and somehow he still wasn't worried.  Instead Boyd was reaching for Jett's hands, taking them into his own and giving them a comforting squeeze.
"You know there's nothing you can't tell me. I'm all ears, and i'll be here no matter what.  Just uh, take your time."  Boyd gave a gentle smile, waiting patiently for Jett to begin.  Waiting patiently for what he didn't understand would be one of the worst moments of his life.  He gazed innocently into Jett's eyes, and he waited.

“I-I think I love you.”

Boyd's entire body warmed as Jett spoke, heart leaping into his throat in a way it had never done with Mal. Jett loved him, and he wanted to celebrate that. His fingers squeezed tenderly around Jett's hands, and he was opening his mouth to reciprocate the feeling when  the boy continued.

“And I know you don’t feel the same, so you don’t have to struggle to explain it to me or lie and say it back when you don’t mean it. I know. Trust me, I know. That’s why…"

For the first time since Jett had informed him that they needed to talk, Boyd felt cold fear rush through him.  He knew what was coming next, he knew it.  And god, he wanted it to stop.  He wanted to stop it before it was out, before Jett said-

"That’s why I think we have to end this thing".

Boyd whimpered, he actually fucking whimpered as the words reached the open air between them.  They were just words, but they were brutal and they stole a piece of Boyd's heart, ripped it away and left the boy feeling as though one of his lungs were failing him. His entire world was in a downward spiral and all Boyd could do was sit and watch it play out.  He had watched his world end many times before, and it always began again in the morning,  But this time, Boyd was sober.  This time, he was fully aware of every bit of hope and happiness that was being snatched away from him. His world was ending-
And this time, Boyd wasn't so sure it would begin again the next day.  This felt permanent. It felt like the end of all things bright and beautiful in his life.

"I can’t- no, I fucking won’t be like this. I tried to fight with Mal for your love and shit, that’s not who I am.”

Boyd was trembling now, his expression crest fallen and his body crumpled by heartbreak. He hadn't realized that Jett felt as though he had to fight for their love. For him there had been no battle.  He'd finally realized that Malakai was bad for him, and he'd been swept away by Jett's laughter and his sharp mind.  But Jett hadn't been aware of that.  Boyd had failed to make him see and now everything was ruined and it was all on him.

"I’m Jett Jones and I don’t play second best to anyone.”

Second best-

Boyd felt suddenly nauseated, as though there was a suffocating weight bearing down on his heart. It was like Jett had physically struck him with every word that was said. He had allowed Jett to feel as though he were less than.  It was unforgivable.  Jett had been making him feel wanted and adored every moment they'd spent together and he-
Boyd had made Jett doubt himself.  He had broken a part of his precious, proud and confident lover.  He had sworn he would never let anything hurt Jett, and it was he himself who had been causing the boy pain.
He was awful.  Jett deserved more. He deserved better.

“I love you, Boyd. And that’s why I have to tell you some shit and you’re not gonna want to hear it and it’s gonna break your heart but if I don’t tell you no one will and you need to hear it."

Fear. It stole Boyd's breath away.  His heart was already irreparably broken.  What more could there possibly be?  It couldn't get lower than this.  Boyd had reached rock bottom-
With terror turning his blood to ice, Boyd prayed.
God please, don't let there be more.

"Mal… he knows you’re in love with him. Everyone fucking does. You might not understand but us wolves, we can smell love as strong as yours from a mile away. I’m new to this shit and the way I learned what love smells like was from every time you were around Mal."

Jett formed the words with beautiful lips, but they were terrible words. With his breath passing over his voice box and the movements of his tongue and jaw, Jett ruined him.
Jett's mouth moved, sound traveled in vibrations through the air, hit Boyd's ear drums, and tore him apart.
His hands had jerked away from Jett, quivering listlessly in the air before they finally found their way to  his arms, nails digging forcefully into the skin of his scars in a vain attempt at forcing himself to breathe.  He'd stopped sometime, suddenly as Jett finished shattering his heart, burning away everything that had ever made Boyd innocent.
That was enough. Anymore and Boyd didn't know that he would survive this.
But there was more.  Just enough to show Boyd that there truly was a hell, and he was living in it.

"He knows, trust me. And I know you love him and think he’s this perfect angel and you worship the damn ground he walks on but… you know I wouldn’t hurt you like this if it wasn’t important and true. He’s using you, baby. Deep down, I know you know it. He knows how you feel and he still flirts, he cuddles, he tells you how important you are. And it’s all to keep you hanging on, to give you a little bit of hope so that when he’s feeling shitty he can call you up for an ego boost.”

"P-Please stop." The words must have been whispered and unintelligible, Jett continued on as though he hadn't heard.
Maybe Boyd hadn't even said them at all. He didn't know, he didn't know anything anymore. Jett was telling him the harsh secrets of the world and Boyd wasn't strong enough to accept them.  He wanted to stop the words from coming, he wanted to preserve what little bit of himself had survived this-
But Jett wasn't finished. This wouldn't be over until Boyd lost everything, until he learned that innocence was useless and there was no real good in this world.

“I thought I was manipulative but holy shit, Boyd, you’ve got to get out from this spell he’s got you under. He knows he's hurting you but he’s too damn selfish to let you down easy because you make him feel good about himself. I’m sorry you had to hear it from me but I couldn’t leave without telling you because you’re the most precious thing in this goddamn shitty world and you don’t deserve to be led on like this. No one does, but especially not fucking you.”

Malakai had been toying with him his entire life.  Ditching him for better things and then seeking him out whenever it was convenient. Boyd had been okay with that when he'd thought that Malakai was innocent, when he'd been foolish enough to believe that Mal couldn't see how it was hurting him.  
Boyd wasn't okay with this.
He'd never wanted a hit so badly in his life. Boyd didn't want to hear about how Malakai had been using him, how he'd fucked up and drove Jett away. The best thing in his life was ruined because of his pathetic infatuation with Mal.  The boy's using him had attributed too Boyd's first run in with drugs, and it had been the reason he relapsed.
And now, it was the reason that Jett was letting him go.
He needed it to stop.  He wanted to be blitzed out of his mind so that he wouldn't have to accept how his world had been destroyed in the span of only a few minutes.  

Jett had choked up on the last words, tears gathering at the corner of his eyes as he gazed at Boyd.  When one of those tears finally fell, Boyd reached a trembling hand to carefully wipe it away, his thumb loving as it caressed along the boys cheek. Their relationship was ending, and Boyd had never felt so broken in his life. He couldn't blame Jett for any of it though.  Jett had been his dream come true, and the boy had stayed as long as he could. And now he was hurting, and Boyd was responsible. As much as he wanted Jett to stay, he wouldn't ask that of him.  He was making Jett cry, for fucks sake. It would be best if the boy got on with his life and forgot Boyd had ever existed.  It would be devastating, but Boyd needed Jett to be whole again.  He needed the boy to be happy and confident, and never doubting how much he's loved.

"I'm fucking in love with you, Boyd Odair and I'm not about to let you just sit there and take his shit anymore."

Boyd hadn't thought he had anything left in him to break, but he felt something else snap within him as he watched this beautiful boy defend him so fiercely.  He had been hurting Jett, but here the werewolf was, determined to try and help him see reason. He didn't deserve this.  Jett was too precious to be defending a bastard like him.

"Okay, now it's my turn to talk, and you're going to listen."

 Boyd swallowed thickly, taking a moment to drag an arm across his face in an attempt to clear away the wetness that had been spilling down his cheeks.  Boyd didn't know when that had started.  He had been so overwhelmed by grief he hadn't taken notice. His nerves were shot and his body was heaving with exhaustion.  He'd evidently been crying for a while.  When he tried to speak, his voice rasped as though he'd been sobbing.  Boyd didn't remember doing it, but Jett seemed to be staring at him with pity.

Jett cared about Boyd-

And Boyd was wishing he didn't.  If Jett hadn't loved him, the boy wouldn't be mirroring Boyd's grief.

"I do love you, Jett.  I've loved you for a long time now, so believe me when I tell you that i'm so sorry.  I'm so, so sorry for making you feel like you're second best, like you ever had to compete for my love because I swear, there was never any competition."

Boyd was pleading, desperate to make Jett understand that he had never once been viewed as a fill in for Malakai.  

"I didn't know about Mal.  I've loved him all my life, and I never thought i'd be able to love anyone else but then you happened.  You saw through me and the first thing you did was ask about me.  Sure, you wanted to know what drug i'd been using but it was still about me.  You cared.  Malakai never asked.  He never did anything to show he ever cared about me, so I didn't have a choice to make between you two.  It was you.  It would always be you.  I got to experience what it was like to love someone and feel loved in return. I got to be happy, stupidly and blissfully happy. You gave me that, You gave me that and i've been hurting you and god, im so sorry. Please stop trying to defend me.  I don't deserve it anymore.  I don't deserve anything from you, Jett. You are good and wonderful and im grateful that you love me but please stop. I don't want loving me to hurt you. I don't want to ever hurt you."

One of Boyd's hands had dropped to his chest, fingers curling desperately in his shirt as though he were trying to reach into his chest and touch his heart, see if it was still there, if it was still beating.  He wanted to reach for Jett, clutch the werewolf against his chest and beg for a second chance he wasn't worthy of. He just wanted to hold Jett until all the pain went away, until they could forget how badly he'd screwed everything up.  But Boyd had finally learned that life didn't work like that. In the real world, he was a villain in Jett's story.  He was the idiot who had been given love only to tarnish it.

He was the man who had broken Jett's heart.

Boyd had been ashamed of himself ever since the first time he'd popped a pill. He'd hated himself many times, usually during a relapse or wondering why he'd never be good enough for Malakai.  Boyd knew what it was to loath oneself.
But this was a whole new level of guilt. He'd never despised anyone as much as he did himself after realizing what he'd been doing to Jett.

He was no better than Malakai.

"I wish i'd told you more often how important you are to me.  I love everything about you.  I love how smart you are and how quickly you talk when you're excited, and I love your confidence, your strength,  I feel brave when I look at you. You make me brave. And you made me a better person. And now i've made you cry. Please, forgive me. I love you so much and i'm so sorry and i'm not asking you to take me back. I get it, im- I....I didn't treat you right.  I didn't make you feel like you were the most important thing in the universe even though you are. You deserve better than this.  I want you to have better than this and i'm so sorry. I love you. I love you, i'm sorry. I love you."

Boyd stood then, his knees wobbling and weak.  He gathered his things, shirts and sports equipment, school work he'd brought over for Jett to help him with.  He wouldn't leave anything behind for Jett to find.  He wanted to be gone.  He wanted Jett to have better. After today, he didn't want Jett to ever have to think of him again.  He just wanted the boy to be happy, Jett deserved someone who would make him happy.  

With Boyd he'd been drowning.  It was time he found someone who made it feel like he could breathe again.  Boyd owed him that.  He was going to let go, so Jett could find that. He was going to let go even if it killed him, because Jett's well being was worth more than his own.
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