Relapse&Recovery

Elvis had not spoken to Xavier since his birthday. He couldn't look at the man without wanting to clock him, or without wanting to bawl.  Never in his life had he hurt so badly because of words. They had been harsh though, from his Xavier, and they had run roght through Elvis.  All the esteem he had been building by getting sober had been disposed of, and he was still doubting himself. Xavier had become his 3AM thoughts, all of the good times, the break up, and now this. But at least he knew what Xavier really thought about him. At work he had the lost boys talk to Xavier for him, and even though they still played their parts, Elvis never met Xavier's eyes. He was waiting in his locker room now, until everyone was gone before he made his way out to his jeep.

Xavier had noticed that Elvis was avoiding him and honestly, it hurt. He kept trying to catch the boy but somehow Elvis always managed to elude him. Finally, tonight he was waiting outside, sitting on the hood of Elvis's truck. He'd been waiting there for nearly a half hour, knowing he could not miss Elvis tonight.

"The f*ck do you want, yeah?" Elvis had almost turned to go back into the safety of his locker room but he didn't have it in him to run anymore. "Get the hell off my jeep too, yeah." His voice was harsh, covering his wounded pride and hurt feelings. Elvis took his bag and threw it in the back.

"What's wrong with you?" Xavier questioned, staying put atop of the car as he looked back at the boy. "Why are you mad at me?"

"Get your ass off Xavier! If you haven't gotten the hint, I don't want anything to do with you!" Elvis walked around to the front of the jeep, his face flushed with anger. If he had to he would get Xavier off of the jeep himself.

"I got the hint that you're pissed at me but I have no clue why! One minute we were fine and then you haven't spoken to me in weeks." Xavier frowned deeply, standing up only to force himself into the front seat, practically on Elvis's lap. "Talk to me." He insisted.

"Why would you want to talk to some addict like me, yeah? Im not worth your damn time, a lost cause yeah." Elvis shoved Xavier away from him, his teeth bared in irriation. Xavier hd no right to corner him like this, not after the sh*t Elvis heard coming feom his mouth. And whats worse, Xavier doesnt jnow what he did wrong because he didnt say it directly to his face.

Xavier's brows were furrowed in confusion until it dawned on him. His jaw dropped.
"You heard that? Elvis... that's... that's not what I meant." He shook his head.

"I think you made it perfectly damn clear what you meant yeah." Elvis snapped almost hatefully, his hands bawled into fists. "I understand though now why it was so easy for you to let me go, why you didn't even bother trying to help me. Once an addict alwats an addict, yeah. You couldn't handle that. I was broken so you threw me away! And you still have the balls to tell your little bitch boyfriend things about me you cant say to my face." Elvis took a deep breath, shoulders shaking as he tried to control himself. "Just get the hell out, before this druggie knocks your teeth down youe throat, yeah."

"Elvis... babe, please don't do that. I'm sorry you heard that. I... I was just trying to calm Prentiss down. You know I don't mean it. I love you Elvis, I'm so sorry." Xavier's voice was gentle, leaning in to rest his head against Elvis's shoulder. He knew the boy was mad and he had a right to be but he didn't care if he got hit, he had to fix it.

"F*ck you, you don't love me yeah. Hell, Izzy doesnt believe in love but he takes better care of me than you do." Elvis elbowed Xavier off of his shoulder, his eyes shining with hurt. "I want you f*cking gone." Two weeks of withdraws and hell only to start over.

"Elvis don't say that. Please." Xavier begged softly, taking the boy's face in his hands. "I miss you so much... I never meant to hurt you like that."

"I don't want to hear that you miss me, yeah! You could have me right now if you really wanted it! But im an addict, Thats all i'll ever be." Elvis flinched away from Xavier's hands, recoiling against the door with his fist drawn back.

"Elvis... I can see you're getting better... I know you're not always going to be an addict. I was just trying to make Prentiss feel better, I swear. Baby, trust me." Xavier stared at his former lover with hurt eyes.

"If you loved me though, you wouldn't have talked about me like I was shit on the bottom of your shoe yeah. Not even to Prentiss, even if hes my replacement." Elvis's voice was softer, weak like a wounded animal.

"I didn't mean to, Elvis... It wasn't supposed to come out so bad... I never wanted to hurt you like this." He heaved a sigh as he crawled off of the boy, sitting in the passenger seat.

"I just...Damn, I trusted you, yeah." Elvis dropped his head, his shoulders quaking as he reached a hand up to cover his face. His name had always been special coming out of Xavier's mouth. It was hard to think he had spoken it so carelessly. "And I love you and..." It just hurt so damn bad he felt like he was going to vomit.

"I love you too, Elvis. I love you so much." Xavier nodded, wrapping his arms around the boy's shoulders. "I don't want us to be like this... please, forgive me."

"Elvis's forehead rested against Xavier's shoulder, his voice wavering when he spoke. "What else am I going to do yeah?" How could he really cut Xavier out of his life? What was life without Xavier? "Its just hard, after everything we've been though and how we ended...to hear that...." His jaw was tight in his effort not to cry, he had always hated being a cry baby.

"I'm sorry." Xavier leaned in, lips against the boy's ear lobe as he spoke gently. "Baby, I'm so proud of you for being able to do this... stay clean. I never should have said that. Every second you're clean is a blessing and it shows just how strong you are." He ran a hand comfortingly in circles over the boy's back.

Elvis shuddered as Xavier's lips brushed his ear. "No. I went to Mack's after I left your house, yeah." His arms were clear now, slightly scarred in some places but there was nothing recent. Izzy had been building him up ever since Xavierhad knocked him down, but still Elvis couldn't escape the feeling he would always be an addict. Like it was stamped on his forehead and destined to be with him forever.

"Still... you're trying. And that's all that should matter. I have faith in you, baby. You can go through with this. You can fix it..." Xavier nodded, pressing Elvis tight to his chest.

"I couldn't. Not by myself." Elvis sighed softly, smiling as Azazel crossed his mind. "Izzy has been helping me though. He's the reason I got clean the first time and he's the reason im clean now." His voice was warm with pride, and love for Izzy.

"I'm... I'm glad he's helping you." Xavier nodded sincerely, although he hated Izzy with every bone in his body. "I really am."

"Yeah...if not for him I probably wouldn't be here anymore." If he didn't just give up on himself he would have over doses by now. Not to mention that night when he left mack's house. He had been so out of it he could have been killed.