December

Happy day two of shipmas  I hope you enjoy hehe


Bellamy/Britt


December


-----------------------------------------


Stumbled around the block a thousand times
You missed every call that I had tried
So now I'm giving up

He'd called so many times that he'd lost count by now, and all the messages were becoming more and more slurred with the soldiers desperation.  Bellamy had even taken to circling the block Britt lived on despite how deeply the cold was biting.  He had still been holding hope that maybe he'd catch the boy outside.  Then he could talk some sense into him.  Britt would see his face and then surely he'd remember how much they loved each other.  It wouldn't be so easy for him to walk away then.  But by his twenty fifth round in the snow, Bellamy was beginning to lose hope.  The soldier trudged onward though, unable to bear the possibility of this really being the end for them.  Britt was his entire life.  His reason for everything.   He was even willing to forgive the redhead for his infidelity and all the hell he'd experienced if he could just get the boy back.
The soldier finally surrendered his last hope when he rounded the block once more to see that Britt's bedroom light was on.  Bellamy had paused then, thinking maybe he'd missed the boy's coming home but he could still work up the nerve to go inside and speak with him. 
Thats when the soldier caught sight of Morgan.
Bellamy knew in his heart it was over then.  It was the first time he'd laid eyes on either of them since arriving home in the hours before.  Seeing the two of them together pushed the soldier over the edge of no return.  

A heartbreak in mid December
You don't give a fuck
You never remember me
While you're pulling on his jeans
Getting lost in the big city

Bellamy had wanted to turn and dash at the sight of them, but the soldier found himself unable to move.  He felt as though a weight had settled upon his shoulders and chest, but his legs were completely numb.  There was nothing for him to do but stand and stare until his face was blistered with tears and his kneels finally collapsed beneath him.
By the time the soldier was finally able to pull himself out of the snow, Britt's bedroom light had flickered off and he was nearly certain of what was happening inside the darkened space. Bellamy began trudging back home with a searing pain in his chest.  It was a feeling the soldier had known nothing about until receiving his letter.
Betrayal.
Bellamy's trust and innocence had been a part of him.  It was what kept him so gentle and nurturing even while enduring the life of a soldier.
And now?  It was all gone.  Morgan and Britt had stolen away all the good things that had kept Bellamy feeling as though the world still possessed some kindness and humanity.  He surely saw none of that during war times, and now, even at his home there was no peace to be found. 

I was looking out our window
Watching all the cars go
Wondering if I'll see Chicago
Or a sunset on the west coast
Or will I die in the cold
Feeling blue and alone
I wonder if you'll ever hear this song on your stereo

The stars had slowly made their pattern over the  sky, shining along with the moon as the ivory orb moved across the darkness.  Bellamy was awake through it all, sitting at his window and trying his hardest to pay attention to the beauty of it all, but the soldier could see nothing but Britt.  There was no escaping the boy.  Whenever Bellamy closed his eyes, the image of Morgan sliding his hands along the redheads sides seared itself into his mind.  And still, there was no relief in opening his line of sight and looking to the stars.  He could see Britt's silhouette, outlined among the glowing specks, and the more he looked the more detail he found.  The curve of the boys face and the soft arch of his upper lip. 
Britt's eyes in two orbs shining brighter than all the rest, so shiny they took on an almost bluish tint.
This, by all accounts, felt like the ending of his life.  
He'd never suffered through such grief, not even while watching friends bleed out and passing on the battle field.  This was a loss that was all consuming.
Bellamy didn't even feel like himself anymore.  He was some new person now, someone who knew the bitter ache of heart break and the maddening hurt of betrayal.  He didn't like this person but no matter how hard he tried, there seemed to be no going back to that blissfully state of naivete that lead him to believe no one he loved could ever be so cruel.



I hope you get your ball room floor
Your perfect house with rose red doors
I'm the last thing you'd remember
It's been a long lonely December
I wish I'd known that less is more
But I was passed out on the floor
That's the last thing I remember
It's been a long lonely December

Bellamy didn't see it at the time, but there was some shard of his old self that lingered through all of his grief.  No matter how badly he was hurting, he still found himself unable to truly be angry with Britt.  He knew that he probably should, and anyone he told would back him up, but that was the issue.
Bellamy didnt want to tell anyone because he didnt want anyone thinking badly of his first love.  And really it wasnt Britt's fault.  He hadnt known what it would really be like to date a soldier.  He himself had gotten his hopes up, put too much faith in the relationship.  He should've known that someone so beautiful as Britt deserved better, someone who could be home to worship him every day of the week.  The boy  was much too precious to be lonely for such long periods of time.
Morgan wouldnt be right for him though, and Bellamy had faith it wouldnt last between them.  Britt would move on to someone who could make him the center of their entire world, like he had.  Except this time he person wouldnt have such a demanding job.  Whoever they were, Bellamy was jealous of them.  If he were to meet them, he'd be sure to tell them exactly how to care for his first love, all the things Britt adored and what he aspires to be.  Bellamy would want them to know how to love Britt right, like he should have.


Cast me aside to show yourself in a better light
I came out grieving, barely breathing and you came out alright
But I'm sure you'll take his hand
I hope he's better than I ever could have been
My mistakes were not intentions this is a list of my confessions I couldn't say

He hoped that this was all worth it for Britt,  that if he had to go through so much grief then surely the boy was truly happier this way.  It pained him to think of Britt as living such a happy life without him, but the soldier was doing his best to accept it.  He had to remind himself again and again that Britt's happiness was the main concern,  even if the conditions of it were slowly eating him alive.
Maybe Britt was doing so much better than him because the boy didn't have to suffer through it alone. He had ended it on his own terms, and as Bellamy saw earlier  he had Morgan to keep his mind occupied. Bellamy though...he had simply closed himself off from everyone.   He couldn't bare to tell his family the truth of what happened,  and it was impossible for him to pretend that everything was okay when ever fiber of his being was threatening to erode away on him.  
Again the soldier found himself aching as he prayed for the millionth time that Britt had found something better than him.  It was an absolutely terrible thing to want for, but Bellamy wouldn't be able to bear it if all this heartache was for nothing.   He needed something to be making Britt happy if he himself had failed to do so.

Oh man, there were so many things Bellamy had missed out on.

He'd loved the silky texture of the boys hair, and that fire rich color that never failed to turn heads. It had been a pleasure for Bellamy whenever he was able to simply hold Britt and stroke his fingers through those fire-like locks.  It had calmed him on nights when he couldn't sleep, and looking into the burning color had soothed his soul.
Britt's lips had been one of his favorite things.  The tiny upper arch and how his bottom lip curved so carefully.  They were plump and velvety soft.  Bellamy had fallen in love with kissing them. He was spoiled forever by those succulent and always smirking lips.
The slender shape of the boys body had driven him wild, and to see Britt arching beneath him had been a pleasure unrivaled.
Bellamy could go on forever. Every little detail,  everything that made him so precious.
The list never ended.

Pain is never permanent but tonight it's killing me
I miss your face
You're in my head
There's so many things that I should have said
A year of suffering, a lesson learned

He should have told Britt more often of how deeply and desperately he was loved. Maybe then it would have been enough to keep him satisfied in their relationship.   But again,  Bellamy reminded himself that he didn't want Britt to settle for just being satisfied,  he wanted the boy to have everything he ever desired in the world.  
Despite how it made him ache,  things were better this way.  Britt truly did deserve all the happiness in the world.   Bellamy would just have to learn to let go.  It wouldnt happen in a day or a month.  For the rest of his life,  the soldier would have to wake and convince himself of his new conditions.  People liked to tell him that pain was never permanent but now the soldier was calling bullshit.  This pain in his heart was here to stay. A day would not pass without him yearning to hold the boy against his chest, cradle Britt in his arms and breathe soundly knowing that the redhead loved him and only him.  

Oh man, there was so much he should've said.  He always thought they would have more time.  That was his biggest mistake.   He thought he'd have more time to love the boy.
He wanted to see Britt all dressed up in white for their wedding. He'd wanted red roses, because they had been the first, they matched his hair.
He'd wanted the two story home with a white picket fence and a tire swing out front.  Kids, two or three just like their mother.
Bellamy wanted all the early mornings stroking Britt's cheek and the late nights laying him down to bed.
The soldier had wanted all of that and more.
But now it was just gone, with just one letter received in the field.

His entire life.....vanished before his very eyes.

I hope you get your ball room floor
Your perfect house with rose red doors
I'm the last thing you'd remember
It's been a long lonely December
I wish I'd known that less is more
But I was passed out on the floor
That's the last thing I remember
It's been a long lonely December


A letter had come in the mail a few weeks after Bellamy had arrived home.   It was sent to  Britt, but it wasn't really for Britt.  It was addressed to the person he came to love,  whoever that might be, whenever that time came.

Britt had tucked it away in his dresser drawer for a long time, and for the most part it was forgotten as he tried to continue with his life.  He'd only pick it up when he missed the soldier.  He would hold it carefully and gently caress it's edges.  It wasn't until he'd finally come to terms with his love for Sawyer that he figured out what to finally do with it, who to gift it with.

Sawyer was sour and monumentally confused as he opened the letter.  To begin with he loathed to think of Britt loving anyone but him, but to make it worse, the guy had written him a note? For fucking what?

"To whoever is blessed enough to be loved by Britt,


You are lucky, let's start with that. You are being gifted to hold a piece of his heart. You need to cherish him in every moment of every day. Letting him slip away will be the biggest mistake you ever make.


I'm doing you a favor here.
I'm telling you how to love him.
I'm telling you all the things you can do to keep from repeat my mistakes.  This is how you keep him.


He likes to be the little spoon.  He's not comfortable otherwise. Don't let him lie to you.
On that topic, he will also like sleeping on your chest, the heartbeat lulls him.
Sometimes he still has nightmares about his father and all the abuse he suffered at that bastards hands.  Don't let him drink, it only makes  it worse. Get him some warm milk and see if he wants to talk. If he doesn't,  don't try to force him. Never force him.  Just hold him and let him know he's safe.  If possible he likes America's next top Model and rupauls drag race, watching them always cheers him up.
He loves cheesy romantic things and he likes to hear that he's beautiful even though he already knows.  He claims scary movies are fine but he hates them and he'll be up all night if you let him watch one. Romantic comedies are always the way to go.  He hates greasy foods, but he's a sucker for pizza and anything with sugar.  He will occasionally want Mexican but he has stomach ulcers so talk him down.  When he sleeps he likes the windows to be open but always shut and lock them just in case. He's so gorgeous,  take care of him.  He takes sugar and cream in his coffee and he likes to sing in the shower but if you mention it he stops so don't mention it.  Tell him that you love him every day and never stop taking him on dates. He likes to be courted and he loves spontaneous things. When he has a bad day just rub his shoulders and let him talk. Remember that tequila gives him terrible hangovers so make him take it easy.  Never let him feel alone, never trust anyone around him because he draws everyone in with that smile. No one can resist that.  Love him with your whole heart and be patient. If you ever hurt him, understand that I will find out and I will make you regret it. Consider his feelings.  Be humble and know that there will always be a line of people waiting to take your place.


Love him like I couldn't.


-Bellamy Odair