IDFC

Nikita grinned as well as he stood, letting the boy lead him onto the dance floor. He followed closely behind, but far enough away that he could let his eyes linger on Ollie's rear while he walked. He was ready to offer to take the lead, knowing it could be hard to shove your way to the center of the dancing crowd but Oleander seemed like a pro, winding around couples and groups until they were dead in the center. It seemed like it would no longer be possible to hear each other, but that was alright. They didn't need to talk much, they just needed to dance.
As soon as Oleander stopped, Nikita took him by the waist, turning him around to face him and grinning before beginning to move to the pulsing beat of whatever song was playing. Shit, this was a bad idea. The boy was even more gorgeous out here with the colored lights bouncing off of his porcelain skin and bleach blonde hair.

Oleander's body burned where he was pressed against Nikita, silently savoring the weight of hands guiding his hips. The alcohol wouldn't allow Ollie's expression to be controlled, his attempt at a cool stare crumbling. He danced with fluid swivels of his waist, lips parted in shallow pants.  Oleander's gaze never left Nikita, soft with affection but searing in want.  The music wouldn't allow words, but Ollie's movements spoke volumes.  He pressed flush against the Russian's chest, grinding forward in a way that caused pleasant friction.  Oleander's arms were secured around Nikita's shoulders, tight with need for the Russian and locked in a way that left no escape.

From the second they started dancing, there was more to it than just two friends celebrating a birthday. There was something between them, something that lingered just under the surface most of the time. But with the alcohol in their systems, it was out in the open tonight.
Nikita was forced to shut his eyes at one point, far too consumed in the way Oleander was moving. But that only drew attention to how he was rubbing against him, the way it felt to have Oleander this close. On a normal night, Nikita never would have let it get this far. But all it took was those few drinks to have him pressing right back against the boy, dancing like he had with countless other men and women he'd taken home for the night. But somehow it'd never felt like this. This was different. It was like his skin was on fire everywhere Oleander touched. He couldn't hear the music, couldn't see anyone other than Oleander. This was something he'd never experienced before.

Oleander had been tempted to close the scant gap between them countless times, but once he actually tipped forward on his toes the beat shifted into silence.  The Deejay was changing songs, and Oleander was caught leaning into Nikita, his lips skimming across the Russian's jaw as he drew sheepishly back. He looked away as though it never happened, not even the alcohol enough to dampen his embarrassment. 
"Buy me another drink before another good song comes on."  Oleander didn't meet Nikita's gaze, but he did take the Russian's hand as he drifted back towards the bar.

Nikita was so caught up in the moment that he hadn't even turned away when Oleander went to kiss him. It was what he'd been wanting since their dancing had started. He was lucky that Oleander had decided to go for his jaw instead or else this could have ended terribly.
He thought his was in the clear when the kiss was averted but he quickly realized that Oleander's dancing had caused an entirely different problem. The crotch of his jeans was suddenly unbearably tight, a noticeable bulge concealed beneath. As Oleander led him towards the bar, it brushed against his hip, the contact enough to have Nikita letting out a soft curse, luckily inaudible under the blaring music.
"I-I gotta go to the bathroom." Nikita leaned in, stammering this into the boy's ear, hoping he could be heard. "I'll be back, wait for me at the bar." And then he was racing off towards the bathroom, cursing himself all the way.
When he arrived he leaned against one of the sinks, placing his head in his hands.
He'd spent seventeen long years convincing himself that Oleander was like a little brother to him. And within one night the boy had rendered all that convincing worthless. God, if a few little drinks could have him acting like this who knew what would happen if he got completely wasted around the boy. One thing he knew for certain was that nothing could ever happen between them. But how was he supposed to prevent that if all Oleander had to do was bat those pretty little eyelashes to get him acting like a schoolboy again?

Oleander watched as Nikita retreated into the bedroom, spurned in the knowledge that he'd obviously done something to set the Russian off but unable to decipher what.  On a normal night Ollie would have immediately assumed that the Russian realized he'd been going for a kiss, and Nikita was searching for way to let him down. But it hadn't felt like that. Oleander was certain that his action had been met with equal want. He hadn't imagined the warm bulge that met his hip when the Russian brushed against him, even if it was a thing of fantasy. Nikita had leaned into him, accepting.  If he hadn't turned away, they might've kissed then.
Oleander was  suddenly mortified with realization that he'd wasted the moment. 
The boy turned to the bar keep, quickly ordering a new round of shots which he quickly downed.  It would give him the last burst of confidence he needed to follow Nikita into the bathroom.   On his way, Oleander had played out what he'd say, the words he'd use to finally make Nikita understand the depth of his affections-
And yet, when he actually rounded the last corner into the bathroom his ability for speech left him.  Nikita was leaning against the sink, fluorescent light spilling down the Russian's face in way that caused an almost ethereal glow. The alcohol working his system refused to let Oleander swallow the emotion that bubbled in his chest at the sight.  His want was written on his face as he closed the distance between them, an elegant hand reaching up to catch the back of Nikita's neck, swiftly dragging him down into a searing kiss.

Despite the fact that he'd spent the last five minutes reminding himself of all the reasons he and Oleander couldn't be together, the second Oleander's lips met his own all was forgotten. Just like that he was taking the boy by the hips and pressing him up against the wall, returning the kiss with everything he had.
It was complete bliss for a moment.
And then all the thoughts were rushing back. What the fuck was wrong with him? The kid was seventeen for Christ’s sake! He was almost twenty four! He couldn’t be doing this. He had never been good at keeping it in his pants but Ollie was… Ollie was different. Ollie was like a little brother, Eustass’s kid, he couldn’t let them be anything more than friends.
He wanted to say that this kiss didn't mean anything, that he was just innocently reciprocating Oleander's advances because he didn't want to let him face the pain of rejection. But that was a lie. He wanted Ollie, in ways that he never should. What the hell had happened to the annoying little brat that had constantly followed him around when they were little? When did he turn into this beautiful, mature boy that did things like give him a boner and make out with him like this?
It all had his head pounding, so much so that the throbbing in his groin was the least of his worries.
He had to put a stop to this. They couldn’t ever do anything like this again. He could end up doing something he would regret. He just had to remind himself that Oleander was a kid still. Eustass’s kid, in fact. He deserved a much better man than him and maybe someone his own age for now. Nikita had never known how to stick around for more than a quick fuck. And even if he might desire something like that with Ollie now, they’d never be the same again if he let his body have its way. All the innocence would be gone from their relationship. No more cuddling when one of them had a bad dream without there being some sort of sexual undertone, no more playful laughs and jokes or fights. If it went wrong, Ollie could end up hating him. And he couldn’t handle that. So this couldn’t happen. Not now and not ever, no matter how gorgeous Oleander was.
He let the kiss break apart naturally when they both needed air, immediately hanging his head so he didn't have to look into those gorgeous eyes again.
"Ollie..." He trailed off, not sure how to say it. But he knew that Oleander most likely could already tell what was coming. He had to know this couldn't happen.

There was a moment of ecstasy like bliss before the world crumbled to pieces beneath Oleander's feet.  He'd grinned stupidly after the kiss, glancing up to meet Nikita's gaze only to find the Russian refused to look at him.
Fuck. 
Oleander's face paled in horror, his expression flickering on heartbreak for it shifted into blankness. Nikita was opening his mouth to speak, and Ollie couldn't have that. 
"Don't."  The boy lifted a hard sharply as though his could physically stop the words from coming.  
Oleander recoiled the moment he realized Nikita was setting him up for a let down.  The Russian didn't seem to have words for it, but Oleander knew.  He knew and he couldn't bare to hear it spoken aloud. 
At this point he was almost tempted to laugh it off and blame the alcohol, maybe even play it down as a joke but there was no point. The kiss had been so much more than that.  Oleander had poured years of aching want into it, unmistakable love and need in the way he'd held Nikita close- 
And the Russian was rejecting him.
Oleander swallowed back something that tasted of bile rising in his throat. The humiliation had him pinned to the spot, even though for the first time in his life he felt like running. 
There was no escaping this.
He might as well face it before Nikita tried talking again.
"Just-just shut up. Don't talk to me. We're not discussing this. I obviously made a miscalculation and its over now so we're going to forget it ever happened."  Oleander couldn't bare to see himself reflected in dark onyx eyes, and instead focused on the wall just over Nikita's shoulder to spare himself the hurt.
"Its my birthday, and you're my birthday slave so you can't argue." In his devastation Oleander was almost tempted to laugh at how pathetic this night had turned out. He'd been delighted at the idea of Nikita being his birthday slave earlier, but now it felt like lead in his mouth as he used it to his advantage.  This had been a near life long fight and Oleander had finally lost.  Nikita would never return his feelings, and better yet he may have altered their relationship irreversibly. Accepting he'd only ever be a little brother to the Russian was hurt enough, but to lose him altogether would be soul destroying. 
He had to patch things up, at least to some degree.
"I think you've had a little too much to drink so im going to call my father and he's going to come get us. Tomorrow he'll drive you back to get your car.  We will not tell him about this, because this,"  The boy motioned sharply between them. "Never happened. Now im going to take a cigarette from you and go back to the bar. When you're ready i'll be waiting." Oleander was true to his words, swiftly stealing a cigarette from Nikita's pocket without ever glancing up into the Russian's gaze and disappearing only moments after, his steps quick as though he was struggling not to run away completely.

Nikita could only stand there while Oleander spoke, his head hanging. He wished they could just rewind this night and never have gotten carried away with the dancing. Now he had ruined the boy's birthday, what should have been the best night of his life. Fuck, did he really destroy everything he touched?
When Oleander left, he could only think of how majorly he had fucked up. How Eustass was going to have to come pick them up and be disappointed when they both looked upset. How Oleander was going to be depressed for the rest of the evening, thinking that Nikita had no feelings for him when that couldn't be farther from the truth. How things would never be the same between them ever again.
And then all he could do was curse loudly, slamming his fist into the wall over and over despite the pain in his knuckles. He needed a fight and he needed it now, something to let out all of this boiling anger on. But instead all he got were bloody knuckles before making his way outside to wait with Oleander for Eustass to arrive.

Oleander's expression was sculpted into an emotionless stare, but the boys eyes gave away his concern at the sight of Nikita's bloodied knuckles.  Even more disturbing was the guilty coil in his belly that swore it was his fault.  The Russian was upset because of their kiss.  
Over the years Oleander had imagined all sorts of reactions Nikita may have to finally learning of his affections, but he'd never thought it would be violent. To see the Russian injured and distraught all because he couldn't control himself left Oleander burning with self scorn. 
"Did you get into a fight with the sink? Or did the mirror beat your ass?"  Oleander's gaze flickered once more to Nikita's ruined hands.  He ached to reach out and check them over, but for the first time in his life Oleander found he was afraid to touch the Russian.  They had boundaries now. Because of him, they had lines that couldnt be crossed. 
He'd already made Nikita uncomfortable enough to hurt himself, so Oleander swallowed back the urge and dropped his gaze to the floor. Eustass was pulling into the parking lot before he had a chance to order another drink. 
The alpha grinned when he laid eyes on them, but his smile quickly dissolved as he noted the tension in Oleander's shoulders, and then fell away completely when he found Nikita's dripping knuckles.
"What happened?  Why are you hurt?""  Eustass didn't even wait for them to enter the vehicle.  Instead the alpha was out on his own and crossing the parking lot towards them.  He took Nikita's hands in his own, heart breaking at how broken and small they seemed in his palms.  His gaze shifted to Oleander, relieved when his search for injuries came out negative but soon hardening as though he expected that this was somehow Oleanders fault. 
"Why is he hurt?"

"I'm fine, papka." Nikita grunted softly, hastily yanking his hands away from the man. He was never so harsh or distant with the alpha unless he was feeling particularly emotional over something. Typically it was Bellamy being gone. He tried to act tougher when he was really feeling vulnerable, to make up for it. It was a dead giveaway that something had him upset. "Just got in a fight, that's all. It's what I do, I'm sure I'll live." He brushed past Eustass then, quickly making his way to the back seat of the car, deciding to let Oleander sit up front this time. "I'm sorry you had to come pick us up." He murmured then, truly apologetic for this. He was supposed to be the one looking out for Oleander tonight. He was supposed to be the responsible one. Just another thing he'd royally fucked up tonight.

Eustass had started for Nikita's hands once more in his mounting concern before realizing the boy was in one of his moods.  He'd learned long ago not to push for fear of Nikita closing in on himself entirely. The alpha would give him room to breathe, but his hardened expression promised that the conversation would resume at home.  
"You don't be sorry about that.  Im proud of you for not driving and having Ollie call me instead.  It was the responsible thing to do." Eustass hurt to see that Nikita had been injured, but the alpha may not live if his children had been in an accident driving home. He wanted to ask about their time tonight, but when he opened his mouth to speak Oleander was already looking away out the window.
So Eustass told them about his night instead.  He'd spoken to Thatcher and sent pictures to nearly everyone. Mal had stayed around for another hour, and they'd watched b-rated horror flicks until his friends had come to take him out as well.  The alpha mentioned that Boyd had called in the hopes of coming over to spend the night with Mal for his birthday, and he'd been incredibly nice even when Eustass was forced to turn him down. 
Oleander had considered having Eustass take Nikita home for the night. Just having the Russian so near in the back seat had the boys skin crawling with humiliation.  In the end though, Ollie allowed them to pass the road that lead back to Vitaly's house.  He had plenty of excuses and explanations that would cover it, but Nikita was bleeding and Oleander's love wouldn't allow him to turn the Russian away. No one took care of Nikita like he did, paying attention to every cut and bruise as he wrapped them. Tonight though, Oleander had foolishly surrendered his right to touch Nikita.
The only other person Oleander trusted was Eustass.

Nikita was silent the entire ride to Eustass's place. When the car stopped and they all got out, he stopped to give Eustass a hug, silently letting him know that he was appreciated before heading inside.
When they were all in the living room he paused before turning to Oleander.
"Will you help me?" He spoke for the first time then, gently as he held out his hands. Just like Oleander knew everything about him and saw through all of his tough exterior, he knew the other boy just as well. He knew that Oleander now felt rejected and embarrassed. He would never initiate conversation. And they needed to talk.

Oleander had been following closely behind Nikita, hands stuffed into his pockets, gaze lingering on the Russian's heels. He was purposely keeping his head down, aching to somehow mend what he'd broken between them but hopelessly lost on what to do.  If he hadn't been watching the Russian's heels, he would have never noticed Nikita turning to face him.  Oleander realized what was happening just in time to stop himself from bumping into the Russian, and even then he still reached out to catch Nikita's wrists in reflex to assure he wouldn't accidently jar them. The Russian spoke to him gently, and Oleander resented how easily it soothed him.   It gave Ollie the comfort he needed to risk lifting his gaze, but he stopped short as his eyes reached Nikita's lips. The boy jerked his head back down, eyes instead trailing over the bruised and split knuckles.
"Don't ask questions you already know the answer to."   Careful fingers tightened around the Russian's wrists, turning them gently in the way of inspection. Eustass passed them with the promise of retrieving a first aid kit, but for once he was in no hurry.  He could tell his boys needed time to talk, and they wouldn't do that if he was hovering over them.  
Once he was gone, Oleander's thumb began drawing tender circles across the Russian's knuckles. 
"We're going to play our game now, and you're going to be honest." Ollie finally glanced up into Nikita's face, still avoiding direct eye contact but asserting that he would not be ignored.  "You hurt yourself because I made you uncomfortable, yes or no?"

Nikita couldn't help but smirk lightly at the beginning of their game. It was something he always appreciated, Oleander helping him not have to talk about his feelings. But this time he didn't mind talking. They had to.
"No." He spoke firmly, looking into Oleander's eyes so the boy could ensure he was telling the truth. He was always honest during their game. It was an unspoken rule. "I was angry because I made a mistake and ruined your night. So I hit the wall. A lot." He spoke softly, ashamed of his outburst and that it was so visible to everyone else. "It wasn't your fault."

"You shouldn't hit walls, they always win."   Oleander forced himself to meet Nikita's gaze, breath coming easier when he searched for truth and found it reflected back at him through eyes of amber. Nikita was still hurt, and that in itself was a problem for Oleander but at least he could look at the Russian and know it hadn't been his fault.  Ollie's moment of relief was short lived with Nikita's explanation ringing in his ears.  
He'd made a mistake. 
Oleander scrambled, his mind racing back throughout their night. What had Nikita done?  The kiss was his idea-
But Nikita had returned it.  For a moment he'd held Oleander's hips, pushing them backwards against a dingy bathroom wall as their mouths seared. Nikita had kissed Oleander like he was winning a fight, like the world stopped and started all with Oleander's lips. 
It had been the best experience of Ollie's life until it ended with the Russian turning him down, and now Nikita was declaring it a mistake. 
It hurt.
Oleander hated that it hurt.
"Are we okay? Yes or no."
Eustass had brought them the first aid kit, and was now busying himself in the kitchen.  It was obvious he wanted to listen, but the alpha stayed just out of earshot in respect for his boys.

"Yes." Nikita didn't even hesitate. "We're always going to be okay, Ollie. I couldn't live with myself if we weren't. I know the questions are directed at me normally but it's your turn this time. Are you okay? With me? Yes or no." He spoke firmly, reaching out to grasp the boy's hands gently, pulling him closer. He was tempted to hug him close but stopped himself. He couldn't make a mistake again. He was still thinking about that kiss every time he looked at the boy. What if they weren't okay? What if he could never go back to normal? What if he could never stop wanting to kiss him again, wanting to feel the boy against him like he had tonight? What if he'd ruined everything because he couldn't keep it in his damn pants?

"Im fine. You're fine.  Everything's peachy." It wasn't a proper response unless Oleander told him yes or no, but the boy wasnt sure of the answer himself yet.  His hands twitched in the Russian's grasp, but he hadn't completely yanked them away as he'd first wanted to.  It was dangerous, letting Nikita soothe him.  There would come a day when the Russian wouldnt be his anymore, and there'd be nothing to console him then.  
"Listen, listen,"  Oleander had regained his calm facade, fingers curling in a  gentle hold around Nikita's hands to catch the Russian's attention. "We don't need to talk about this anymore, alright? Like you said, it was just a mistake. We're both drunk. It never happened." The boy dismissed the conversation entirely, busying himself with searching through the first aid kit in the hopes that Nikita would let it go.

Nikita's face visibly fell, his stomach sinking as he realized that Oleander was lying to him. He was avoiding the question completely. They were definitely not fine.
"Oleander Ellysian Taylor." Nikita spoke firmly, grabbing the boy by the shoulders this time so he was forced to look at him. "You're not allowed to lie during our game. We're going to have to talk more about it if you're not really okay with me. I'm sorry, Ollie, I really am. I'm supposed to be the mature and responsible one and I never should have let what happened tonight happen. Things don't have to be weird with us, we can just forget about it. I just want to make sure you're not mad at me." He sighed softly, never letting the boy look away from his eyes. He needed to make sure the truth was being told.

"Mad at you?" The words struck Oleander into confusion.  There had been countless emotions he'd struggled with in this evening, but anger at Nikita was not one of them.  It was only now dawning on him that the Russian could even think such a thing, and why wouldn't he?  Oleander had been reluctant to touch or even look at him since the kiss happened.  No matter how cliche it seemed, Nikita was not the problem here; it was Oleander. The Russian had never lead him on.  He'd always been open with his feelings, how he considered Ollie a little brother.  It was Oleander who'd pushed their boundaries and stolen a kiss, and it was Oleander who couldn't seem to swallow down his want long enough to be a decent human being.
"Don't be stupid, and don't be sorry because that counts as stupid.  You didn't do anything wrong here, Nikky. I kissed you.  It's not like you had any warning." Oleander took the Russian's hands, his fingers careful as they gently wiped away blood and dabbed antiseptic in its place.  "And don't use my middle name, you know I hate that shit."

"I kissed you back though, Ollie. You know it wasn't just you." Nikita sighed softly. "So I am sorry for that because if I'd just pushed you back and laughed it off, maybe we could have pretended it didn't happen and you could have had the nice birthday celebration you deserved. But I fucked it all up." He paused then, letting the silence linger for a moment while Oleander worked on his hands. Then he spoke again. "Was that your first kiss?" He questioned gently, although they both knew that he already knew the answer to the question. Nikita would have been one of the first to know if Oleander kissed another boy.

"It was nothing."  Oleander was buying himself time as he wrapped Nikita's hands, trying desperately to figure out how much of the truth he could give away without actually admitting what the kiss had meant to him. It had been a mistake for Nikita, Oleander would be pathetic to insist it was more. 
He couldn't bare to have the Russian feeling at fault for ruining his birthday though, so Oleander gave him half-truths.
"I kissed you because it was safe.  You could be my first without it meaning anything." He refused to meet the Russian's gaze, silver mist eyes attentive to wrapping Nikita's fingers instead. If he looked up, he'd risk giving himself away. Their relationship may never mend if the Russian realized the strength of his affections.  He would never again be able to call Oleander his little brother without being reminded of how hopelessly the boy loved him. Brother's didn't love like that. 
Just when the silence made it seem Oleander had finished with the conversation he spoke again, voice steady with conviction. "Im glad you let me have it instead of pulling away." The experience had ended in humiliation as it was, but Oleander may have been broken by the heartbreak had Nikita actually pushed him away. At least he'd been blessed with one blissful kiss. It was what he'd wished for when his birthday finally rolled around at twelve.

Nikita didn't know what to say. He couldn't tell the boy that he had truly wanted it too, that he'd wanted much more than just a kiss tonight. But he also couldn't let him down and lie and say he'd just done it to be nice.
So he said nothing.
He waited for Oleander to be done wrapping his hands before pulling the boy in for a hug, merely holding him close for a few minutes.
"I love you, Oleander, okay? We're fine, nothing ever happened tonight. I really am sorry your night ended early though." He murmured, pressing a kiss to the boy's cheek before standing and making his way out to help Eustass with whatever he was pretending to do in the kitchen, trying to act like everything was fine.
But of course, it wasn't. Because he would never be able to forget how perfect Oleander's lips had felt against his own. Maybe Oleander didn't realize because this was the only kiss he'd shared. But Nikita had had quite a few. And none of them had ever felt like that.

"Hey champ."  The alpha greeted Nikita with a warm smile, but the tension in his shoulders gave away the mans mounting concern.  He knew better than to ask Oleander about their night, but Nikita had always been able to talk to him. 
"So, is anyone going to fill me in on the situation or do I just get to keep guessing?" Eustass handed the boy a plate.  While Oleander had been tending the Russian's hands, Eustass had prepared them a late night snack.  Knowing his children they hadn't stopped off to eat before going out.   
"If you don't want to tell me everything, thats fine. I wont push.  But at least let me know that you two are okay."  He'd witnessed their arguments before but it had never been like this.  To see them avoiding eachother had the alpha aching with worry.

"You'll just have to keep guessing, papka." Nikita smiled apologetically, giving Eustass a half-hearted hug as he helped himself to the snack he had prepared.
Honestly, he thought it might be wise to tell the man, to get his opinion on it. But what if Eustass was mad at him as well? What if Eustass thought it was his fault, yelled at him for putting his hands on Oleander like he had? He couldn't handle that, couldn't handle losing Eustass too. Eustass had never yelled at him over anything. They couldn't start now. So he kept his mouth shut.
"We're going to be fine though, we always are. It's just something stupid. Talked it out, it'll be fine." He assured with a kiss to the man's cheek. "Thank you again for getting us. And for this." He smiled, gesturing to the food. "You're really the best."