All I want

For a moment the shock was enough to steal the alpha's breath away.  He hadn't thought it mattered to Thatch that he left, he'd selfishly only been thinking of himself and all the reasons he had to go.
Never once did he consider that his beta needed him to stay.
"Hey, Thatcher,"  He hardly spoke the mans first name.  That was reserved for the tender moments, when he wasnt so worried about keeping his distance and allowing himself a few minutes of bliss. Could he have more than that though? If Thatch wanted him to stay...
"You've got it all wrong, dumbass."  The alpha surged forward then, sweeping the soldier back into his arms despite any struggle the man had in him. "It's not like im some pig thats using you for sex, alright? Im not saying I havent done it before, but never with you. Dammit Taylor, I was trying to save myself some heartache here. I know that once I stay, there will be no getting rid of me.  I will be wanting you and craving you until one day you take off. I just got used to sleeping alone again-ya. I didnt want to fall into you because you are different.  You arent Trafalgar.  I could walk away from him.  I did.  But you....I cant walk away from you."  The alpha was nearly stammering as he tried to explain himself, pained that he had caused the boy to think he was being used. "I am falling in love with you.  I don't think I am, but I fucking know so. We are not together because I was afraid of this. I loved my mate and losing him nearly killed me but I managed.  You...What would life be without you? After you've spoiled me like this? I couldn't do it. You are too much-ya.  More than Trafalgar ever was and you've snuck up on me and now im fucked because I care about you in this cheesy, pretend to like your taste in music, save you the last piece of cake, hold a fucking radio over my head outside your window terrible way that makes me hate you, love you, and it is driving me bat shit insane day and night. So don't be fucking stupid."  Eustass had adjusted his grip by now, one arm still curled tight around his beta's waist but the other had moved to curl at the back of Thatcher's neck, fingers burying themselves in the soldiers hair as he spoke. "That fucker at the door doesnt know a thing about what it is to want you like I do."

"I didn't even mind it being just sex for the time being... I just don't like sleeping alone." He grunted softly, though leaning into the man's embrace. "You should have told me sooner you fucking liked me though, then we wouldn't have had to do this shit." He scolded, gently nudging the man. "At least I got strawberries out of it." He gave the man a smirk.
Of course he wanted to talk about Eustass's feelings for him, talk about where they'd go from here. But he knew talking about feelings was possibly Eustass's least favorite activity. It meant a lot to him that the alpha had done it, confessed all of this, just to make him feel better, like he wasn't being used. He could tell by the tint of the man's cheeks though that he was still uncomfortable, so he could put off the emotions talk for now.

Eustass could only scowl at the soldier, his lips drawn up in a way that clearly displayed his alpha fangs. "I shouldn't have to tell you-ya. I thought it was obvious. Who the fuck else gets to order me around like you? Or touch me? I know how to get sex if I want it. I don't need you for that." The alphas face softened then, one of his hands sliding up Thatch's sides in an attempted loving gesture. "But you're the only thing I ever want. I could have left you to your soldier friend and his pack, they would obviously accept you. But I'm selfish and I had to have you here." Eustass didn't go into detail of how he ached whenever the boy was gone. It was too much for he himself to accept at the time. He didn't understand the intensity of his feelings and truly it frightened him. But he was already in too deep to pull back now, even if he wanted to.
He didn't want to.
It was going to be a mess, he knew, but the warmth of Thatcher's smile would make up for it all.
"And I could have gotten you the damn strawberries!" The alpha added like a jealous child, eyebrows drawn together as he glared down the innocent fruit. "I didn't know you liked them..." Eustass almost seemed to be pouting now, face drawn in irritation at the thought of Thatcher telling the stranger at the door things he didn't yet know himself.

"They're my favorite." Thatcher smirked lightly as he opened the package and bit into one, offering the other half up to the alpha. "Don't worry though, I didn't tell him that. Bell knows, he told him." He was quite pleased to see the man acting like a jealous child and it showed with the smug grin he wore now. "You can buy me more though any time you like." He added with a wink. "I'm sure I'll finish this box in a day or two." He chuckled as he fed the alpha the other half of his strawberry.
He didn't want things to get too serious, but Eustass could easily smell the emotions coming off of him, the pride at being the only one the alpha wanted to touch him. He had never felt this kind of infatuation before, it was all new to him.

"Are you mocking me, you monumental little shit?"  The alpha was surprised he wasn't agitated, anyone else teasing him in such a way would undoubtedly  find themselves bleeding profusely through a gash in their neck.  Thatcher though, everything the soldier brought on some sort of warmth in his chest.  "Because I can make you regret that."  Eustass was playing along now, pressing down to nuzzle the crook of his beta's neck even as he swept the man into his arms.

"Oh yeah?" Thatcher chuckled as he wound his arms around the man, one around his shoulders and the other around his waist, pressing him close. "I'd like to see you try, big guy. Too bad I'm the only one around here who isn't scared of your mean ass." He smirked, teasing although truly he was pleased that he was the only one that the alpha didn't immediately hate.

"What do you mean you arent scared of me? Everyone's afraid of the big bad wolf." Eustass was smirking now, the amusement enough to reach the alpha's storming sky eyes. "I guess i'll have to show you how fearsome I really am then-ya." He was winding the soldier's legs around his waist now even as he teased the man , making his way into the kitchen where he dropped the gifted box of strawberries into he trash before finally heading up the stairway to his bedroom.  His only explanation was an irritated huff, "I'll buy you some fucking strawberries later. They'll be sweeter than the sour shit he brought you." 
Eustass knew he sounded like a jealous teenager.
He elected to ignore it.

"Oh come on, let me enjoy my strawberries." Thatcher whined, reaching back to feebly attempt to grab his strawberries from the trashcan. "That was unnecessary." He pouted lightly as he let his head fall onto the man's shoulder. "You better damn plan on buying me some soon. Like tonight, shithead." He jabbed his elbow into the man's stomach to punctuate his statement. "You're pretty hot when you're jealous though." He chuckled softly, sly smirk still on his face as he watched the man.
He was still not good at smelling out people's emotions but he made sure to remember the scent coming off of Eustass now, knowing it was definitely jealousy. He found that he enjoyed Eustass being jealous over him immensely.

After coupling that night, instead of slipping away as he'd always done, Eustass stayed tangled in their warm embrace.  He watched his beta sleep for most of the night, brushing the mans golden hair from his face and stroking gentle fingers along his cheek.  By the time Thatcher awoke the next morning, his alpha had fresh strawberries already waiting on him in the kitchen, and nearly every day after there was a new treat for the soldier.  Eventually Eustass began asking questions himself, not just so he could buy the man something other than strawberries, but because he'd began yearning to know what Thatch thought about in his free time and all the things that made him smile.  Not the friendly or polite smile either, Eustass wanted the deep dimpled grin that his beta saved for special moments.  The alpha wanted everything.  He'd even  given up on trying to stop his adoration for Thatcher, now only hesitating when he remembered that one day, his soldier would be sent back to service.

Thatcher had grown more comfortable in Eustass's house than he'd ever thought possible. He looked forward to waking beside the man each morning and he was rarely anything other than happy and content with this new life, even if they were technically not together yet. Eustass had saved him like not even Bellamy could. He had not had one single nightmare where he was watching his loved ones burn to death, calling out for him to help them. That was an improvement from when he used to have them at least once a week. Not even Bellamy had been able to stop them. All he'd been able to do was hold Thatcher until he felt better. But Eustass had stopped them completely. Eustass was his savior, the man who now held his entire heart, even if he didn't know it yet.
It was a few months later though when the soldier woke with a depression looming over him so great that not even the sight of Eustass's pale, freckled face, peacefully asleep, could have helped him. At first, he didn't even know what it was that was bothering him. But then it hit him.
Five years ago today, his entire family had perished in a raging fire that he had been unable to save them from. He didn't know how he could have forgotten that it was today, the anniversary. But he knew now. He could never escape it.
Normally, he rose at the same time the sun did. By the time his alpha woke, he was already in the kitchen with breakfast prepared. He liked to rise early and get things done, start off the day properly.
But today he simply tugged the covers up tighter around himself and unsuccessfully tried to go back to sleep. This day always hit him hard, like a weight sitting on his chest, crushing him, suffocating him. He almost preferred to be overseas on this day. Then he was busy, had a duty to fulfill that kept him from thinking about it.

Eustass had felt it the moment his beta awoke to the looming depression.  It started a burn at the base of the alpha's skull, one that spread like wild fire all the way down the mans neck to scorch his chest-his heart.
He was jerking forward before his eyes had fully opened, hands searching desperately for his soldier as he tried to distinguish what this pain was.  It was hitting him at the base of his brain, the place reserved for his mating connection.  The last time he'd felt anything in that part of himself was when Law was breaking their bond.  Eustass had never thought he'd feel anything in that place again.  An emptiness had taken over after Trafalgar had left him. He'd thought there was nothing worse than that hollow ache-
But this?
Thatcher's hurt was consuming him, a hell fire of grief and self loathing that was so intense it stole the alpha's breath away.  
"Hey? Taylor?" Eustass made a noise like choking as his fingertips finally found the soldier.  He was drawing the beta into him then, tucking Thatch away completely in his arms in an attempt to shield him from the hurt.  It was instinct driving him, an animalistic need to protect his mate.
His mate.
The alpha wanted to question this new connection he felt for the soldier, but the want to hold him and ease his pain was too great.  He would have time to figure this out later, but for now his beta was hurting-
Drowning them both in grief.
"Thatcher,"  Eustass's lips were brushing the soldier's temple, his voice a soft and concerned croon.  It was nothing like his normal smug and gruff tones, and nothing that even Law had ever heard before.
"Why are you hurting this way? Why-Why were you hiding?" The man remembered then how Thatcher's head had been covered, as though he'd been trying to shield himself from something. The need to protect was so intense that Eustass was certain the soldier would be able to feel it through their connection.  He had to know he would be safe here.
Eustass would do anything to protect him.
Anything.

"I just didn't feel like getting up." Thatcher spoke softly, pressing his face tighter against the man's chest. "Not a good day." It was all the explanation he gave. He didn't want to tell Eustass why he was really upset, feeling like he didn't have a right to complain. Eustass had lost everyone too. "Stay in bed with me." He grunted then, his arms in a vise-like grip around the man's waist.

"Im not going any damn where.  I just need to know why this is a bad day."  Eustass threw one of his legs over both of his beta's, drawing the soldier into him completely.  "I can feel that you're hurting. Its fucking terrible and it has to stop- I have to make it stop." The alpha was pressing his face against Thatcher's cheek in a rare display of affection. "D-Did I do this?"  Eustass's blanched with horror as the possibility struck him.

"If you did would I want your big ass holding me?" Thatcher sighed in response, attempting to relax at the feeling of the alpha's stubble rubbing against his cheek. "Just leave it alone, alright? If you just give me a few more minutes I'll get up." He knew he could not stay lying here all day even if that's what he wanted to do. That was not the type of person he was. He never laid down and let himself be depressed. He had to push through. "You can't make it stop, but it's not your fault. I'll be fine."

"Hey Taylor, im still your alpha-ya, remember that?"  Eustass hoisted himself up on an elbow to get a clear view of his soldier's face.  The pain clouding the mans eyes caused another tremor of hurt to travel through his chest. "And as your alpha, I order you to tell me whats going on with you."  Eustass was never above calling his alpha card, and when simply mentioning it wasnt enough, the man was more than happy to back it up. 
Except this time.  This was Thatcher, and instead of drawing it out with a forceful growl, Eustass found himself leaning down to press his nose against the beta's neck, just under his ear.  From there the man gave a gentle nuzzle, tenderly urging his soldier to open up, even playing on their new found mating bond to do so. 
"Is it so wrong for me to worry about you?  Will you not humor me this time?" Eustass was not used to speaking so openly, and he was especially strict about sharing his feelings but this was his one exception. This was his beta.

"I appreciate you worrying, I just didn't want you to." Thatcher let out a sigh, turning to fully glance into the other man's eyes before speaking. "Five years ago today... is when the fire happened. When I got home and found out that... you know." He ran his fingers through his long dirty blonde hair, still mussed from the night's sleep. "I didn't want to say anything because I know you know how it feels and I don't have a right to be so torn up about it when you suffer through it every day it's just... it's always a rough day." He ended his rambling with another soft sigh, averting his gaze once more.

Eustass was silent for some time as the sting of his beta's words washed over him.  The boy was hurting, and yet he wanted to go about it alone just to spare him any extra pain.
It started a kindling of love in the alpha's heart, one that burst into a full fledged fire as Thatcher refused to look at him.
"You have a right to feel however you want, Taylor."  The mans voice was firm and his gaze strikingly intense. "Im here to shelter you in any way I can-ya. If I didn't want to get involved I wouldn't.  But I've told you, im not just here to get you into bed."  Eustass spoke slowly, as though he were struggling to find the words he needed to describe his devotion to the soldier.  He'd never felt the need to express such things to anyone else, even Trafalgar. 
"I'm here because you are like a miniature sun, and I like to see you shine even though im always busting your balls and shit. Today it's like...I don't know.  This is stupid but it feels stormy.  With you hurting it's like there isnt a sun in the sky. Even if I can't fix the weather, I want to fight the rain with you."  He was running his thumb across the soldier's knuckles, wanting Thatcher to look at him but for once not forcing it.  Today was his beta's day.

Thatcher did look up at though, soft blue eyes gazing at him as he listened to the alpha speak. When the man had finished, he simply stared at him for a moment before leaning in and capturing his lips gently.
"Thank you." He murmured gently. He didn't know what to say to convey his gratitude to the man. He was touched though, just that Eustass was talking so openly about his feelings. "Really. Thank you." He leaned in to kiss him once more. "I'm sorry I can't shine for you today." He sighed. He was pleased to hear the man thought of him in this way. He wanted to keep shining for him, to fight off the rain.

Eustass was captivated by their gentle kiss, his eyes mimicking the color of a misty December morning. It took him a moment to process what the soldier was saying, his attention stolen away by the fluid movements of Thatcher's lips. 
"You are still shining. Even if you aren't as bright and damn sunny as usual-ya. My world is still brighter with you in it."  The alpha drew Thatcher closer, tucking the man once more against the safe harbor of his chest. "You don't have to be happy all the damn time, Taylor.  You are allowed to have shit days.  And you are allowed to bitch and moan as much as you fucking well please. I'll be here. Not because you're around for me, either."  Thatcher lived with him despite his constant bitterness, and the soldier even seemed to genuinely care for him.  Eustass adored this, but it was still not his sole reason for staying.
"I don't owe you anything.  I just...There's no where else id rather be, especially if you need me." Thatcher had not needed him that first day when he'd gone to visit Bellamy, but Eustass had followed anyways.  
"As your alpha, you need to realize that im here for this.  Even if we don't have any other relationship, you wont be alone anymore, I wont allow it."

"The same goes to you, you know?" Thatcher spoke up as he rested his head in the crook of the man's neck. "You don't have to be alone anymore. I'm here for you. As your beta but also as your friend." Possibly as more than that, but he didn't quite know what to call it. They had yet to put a label on their relationship. "And I know I don't have to be happy all the time but I want to. If I let myself have a bad day... I'm scared I'll never be able to stop moping around." He sighed softly, a hand slowly trailing down the man's side as he spoke.

"Eh, thats bullshit.  I know the feeling, I thought that same thing before I met you."  Eustass was nearly crooning as he cradled the beta, nuzzling his cheek against the mans soft blonde hair even as he spoke. "I did have the shitty days and I thought that miserable cycle was my like.  It thought i'd die like that.  But then Bellamy came pounding on my door and the fucking sun started shining."  The alpha gave a contented sigh, pushing Thatchers bangs away in order to press a tender kiss against his forehead.  This was a sweetness reserved for Thatch and Thatch alone.  Not even Trafalgar knew what it was to have Eustass hold him in such a way.  "So stop worrying so much.  You're going to have bad days-ya. But they will pass. I'll find some way to bright your days if you need me to, if you'll let me."

Thatcher could only stare at Eustass for a moment, stomach almost fluttering at the man's words and the kiss that was pressed to his forehead. He'd never heard the man speak in such an affectionate way, or speak about his emotions at all, really.
"Eustass... you already brighten all my days. Sure, you're not exactly always pleasant but... you give me a reason to shine. You're what keeps the smile on my face. You help me more than you know. I'll tell you right now I've never smiled on this day before. But you've already changed that. You've been up for less than ten minutes and you're already helping brighten my day."

"Oh yeah?  Well I can only go up from there-ya.  Give me an entire hour and lets see what I can do to have you feeling better."  The words were punctuated with a suggestive wiggle of his eyebrows.  Of course he was only teasing though, an attempt at coercing another smile from the soldier.  Sometimes he felt as though he lived off those smiles. 
"Really, If it makes you feel better, we can talk about it. Im no good at feelings and shit but uh...I can listen."

"There's not really anything to talk about..." He trailed off with a sigh, though he had given the man a soft smile at the suggestive wiggle of his brows. "It's just... whenever I think about it, it's more than just missing them. I feel shitty that I was lying to them all their entire lives. I always planned on letting her know eventually... I planned on getting a divorce no matter how difficult it was going to be. I just never had the balls. And now I know that if I'd done it earlier, she'd still be alive. She wouldn't have been in our house that day. And I feel like I wasted her whole life. She could have been with a man that really loved her. I mean, of course I loved her but... never like that." He sighed, letting himself slump over onto the alpha's chest.

Eustass's breath hitched as he felt Thatcher slumping into him, his entire chest feeling as though it may cave under the weight of the soldiers hurt. He'd do anything to make it better.
Anything.
"Taylor, you talking worst scenario shit. That women...Your wife, she probably loved you more than anything.  Who says that to lose you wouldn't have been worse than what actually happened?" To him, even now, he'd rather burn than live out the rest of his life without Thatcher and his sunshine smile.  "You're thinking that if you would have just fucking told her she would have been fine, but what if she had spiraled into depression?  That would have been shitty."  Eustass ran his thumb over the high arch of his beta's cheek, gently caressing the soft skin that met him there.  "She died happy, I think.  And her life was happy, you've said so yourself."