All I want

"I don't like not getting things quickly. I don't like not being in control." The soldier spoke simply, though the corners of his lips twitched upwards when he noticed the faintest hint of the smile that had almost crossed Eustass's face. "Hey, what's your deal anyways? Forget how to smile or some shit? You've got nice teeth, I bet you'd look much nicer smiling." He was almost teasing the man, once again going back to trying to find the best in the man now that he was calm.

"Well you'd better damn get used to not being in control, because I'm your judge, jury and executioner now soldier." The alpha had nearly been able to relax and enjoy his new company, but then Thatcher questioned the absence of his smile. It brought him back to the constant bitterness of his abandonment.
"And you'd look a lot better while shutting the fuck up about a stupid ass smile you'll never see." The alpha let go then, as though the thought of being so soft actually disgusted him. Instead the man went back to finish his couch. He already had food in the oven, but by now he'd forgotten about it. This was normal though, Eustass never failed to burn any food he touched.

"Jesus, will you lighten up?" Thatcher groaned then, leaning back in the armchair. "You know, I might actually want to stay over here and help you clean shit up if you'd stop trying to be such a hard ass all the time. Smiling isn't a bad thing, you know." He wanted to enjoy his time with the alpha, trying desperately to find his redeeming qualities. But the man definitely wasn't making it easy on him, stopping every time he began to show his softer side.

"It's a fucking terrible thing, soldier. I tried that once and it's what damn lead me to this." The alpha all but barked at Thatcher, his heart aching as he thought of how he'd disintegrated through the years of loneliness. "I haven't always been like this, you know? I had a fucking pack and a mate a home full of people to damn smile at. That shits over now. Get used to it, soldier. I sure as he'll have. " The man felt immediate shame as he realized how pathetic he sounded. And he'd snapped at his beta again. At this rate, the soldier would be gone and he'd be left alone again.

Thatcher's face fell as the man's words sunk in. He could only nod then, suddenly understanding why he was so bitter. Thatcher knew all too well what that felt like, to lose everybody that had ever meant anything to you and be stuck alone constantly, missing them. He had been under the impression that Eustass had only lost Law, no one had told him the entire story.
"Alright, I get it. Believe me though, if anyone knows how you're feeling, it's me, alpha man." He smiled softly at his alpha, even if it would not be reciprocated.

Eustass had been prepared for many reactions, anger at being snapped at or the usual pity. But instead the soldier had surprised him with understanding. No one had ever understood before. "Is that right? You know the deal, soldier?" The alpha finished cleaning his couch before finally standing himself up and turning to look at Thatcher, his scowl strangely absent and instead replaced by the remnants of a smile.
"Maybe you aren't so fucking weak after all. You're still smiling, even though you seem to understand all my bullshit. That takes balls."

"Nah, we just handled it in different ways I guess." Thatcher smirked, pleased to see the hint of a smile on the man's face. "I do get it though. I can't blame you for being an ass all the time now. It was a few years ago when it happened to me." He nodded his head, not quite sure he wanted to give all the details yet. He simply spoke enough to let Eustass know he truly understood. "I've been living alone since then other than the time I'm in the service. I used to dread leaving home but now I live for that."

Eustass continued to merely blink at the soldier, as though searching the man for answers.  Finally though he nodded his head, the usual scowl creeping back onto his face.  "Tsk.  I get it now.  You can smile because you still have some sort of family left, even if it's just your service buddies. "  Bellamy had been trying to talk the boy into moving in with him.  The two obviously cared for each other.
"Lucky you."
The alpha grunted in an attempt to swallow down the strange feeling of jealousy.   He refused to accept that it was anything other than irritation at Bellamy trying to steal his beta away. No more than that.  Eustass disappeared into the kitchen as if to try and finish preparing the food.  It troubled him that  no matter how he tried he couldn't be bitter with Thatcher,  even though the man had retained his smile.  Normally Eustass would have resented him for it, but instead the alpha found himself enjoying the soldiers happiness so much it was impossible to turn away.

"Hey." Thatcher frowned deeply, standing and moving to follow the man even though he would have much rather stayed seated to rest. The man's words had struck a nerve in him. "Don't try and pull that shit with me. Don't try and throw yourself a fucking pity party while I'm trying to tell you I know how it feels. Maybe I do have my service buddies left, but that's it, Eustass." It was the first time he'd really spoken his new alpha's name to address the man. "They're just buddies. They're not my family. You should know that that hole can never be filled be just a buddy. I'll admit, Bell is closer to family now, he's all I got left. But it took time to get like that. I was like you for a while, blaming the whole damn world for my loss. But you can't do that. You have to find that person who will help you be yourself again. You have to let someone fill that void for you. It won't be easy, but you have to try. Or it's never going to get better and you're going to turn into a miserable prick who no one wants to be around." His words were harsh and his voice firm, but his sapphire blue eyes were soft on the man, truly only trying to help him. He knew too well what it was like and he knew Eustass was what he would have become a few years down the road if Bellamy hadn't been there to help him through it.

"Awh man, you're one of those long and inspirational speech types. I should've known." The alpha groaned as though this would be a hassle. Thatcher's sapphire blue eyes gave him away immediately as someone who cared for people. The man was a soldier after all. "But at least you're fucking passionate. Weaklings piss me off." Eustass moved forward then, bending enough so that his nose was nearly brushing Thatcher's. " Don't ever fool yourself into believing I need or want your pity. I'm bitter and angry and I don't give a damn what anyone thinks."

"Well I only give my long inspirational speeches to people I like, so you should be honored, big man." Thatcher smiled still, even though he was fairly certain the man was mocking him. "Maybe you don't want my pity, but you're just wallowing in your own self-loathing. You've got to put on a smile, or it'll eat you alive. Trust me." He patted the man's shoulder as he strolled over to the stove to see what the man had been cooking. "Want me to help? I'm not a bad cook if I do say so myself." He went on, smiling softly as if he had not just been speaking about his deceased loved ones. He truly had learned to just push it all away. When he let it get to him, it was bad, so he could never let that happen.

"Oh yeah?  Well then you can take over."  Eustass moved to stand behind the soldier, peering over him to the slightly charred chicken he'd been sauteing in a skillet. He wasn't interested in the food though, instead his eyes kept shifting over to catch glimpses of Thatcher's smile.
Eustass's lips had been twitching upwards to join the beta, but then he realized what was happening.  The alpha immediately settled back into his scowl, voice mocking in an attempt to strike a nerve. "I mean, that is if you feel like it-ya. I know fist hand how hard it was for you to clean the couch." He was condescending now, too.  He couldn't allow himself to truly like Thatch.  That would end badly.  It always did.  Eustass had given so much of himself that now he had nothing more to give.  The last scraps he had of his heart could not be lost.  If he were to become attached and lose the soldier...
The alpha refused to risk it. 
"Go ahead and prepare the food.  Prove to me you're good for something-ya."

Thatcher merely sighed, shaking his head as he moved to take over the cooking.
"If being a prick to me is what you need to do to make yourself feel better than I'll deal with it. But I can't promise I won't spit in your food if you keep it up." He smiled again, still keeping his spirits up because he knew he was getting through to the alpha, even if the man didn't want to show it. He would get on his good side eventually.

For a moment there was silence, the alpha unable to do anything but stare at Thatcher, his jaw slack with surprise. He had been expecting the beta to be angry just like anyone else, maybe even try to pick a fight with him. Instead though Thatch was joking, still trying so hard to lighten the mood.
Eustass could do nothing but laugh. It started slowly, a tiny chuckle. But then it was growing until the alpha was clutching his stomach, the amusement too much for him. He couldn't remember the last time he'd laughed, or thought of anything as genuinely funny. It was nice. For a moment his hatred had been lifted and he was left nearly grinning at the soldiers back.
"You're a snarky little shit-ya. I'm almost tempted to like you." The alpha blinked at the absurdity of his own words, scowl back in place as he quickly added "But I don't."

Thatcher had been laughing as well, then smiling so widely his cheeks ached. Even he didn't know why the alpha's laughter brought him so much joy, but it did. Maybe it was because he could tell that the man hadn't done it in a while.
"Well we'll get there. I'll just have to keep working at it, yeah?" He chuckled as he continued cooking. "At least you're not being completely insufferable now, so maybe I've gotten somewhere."

"You're not fucking doing anything to put me in a better mood so don't kid yourself." This was entirely untrue. Thatcher was doing more than just acting as his beta. The soldier seemed as though he were trying to be a friend. Thatcher was going out of his way to understand and sympathize with his shitty attitude.
Still though, no matter how much Eustass appreciated it he refused to give his beta credit.
"If anything your constant smile is damn annoying-ya." Another lie. The alpha had to make up for the way Thatcher had him laughing. In truth, the soldiers grin was infectious and it made Eustass want to smile, too.
He couldn't do this though. He wasn't prepared for the fall.
"I just wanted you here to cook and clean. I could do without the smile. "
But he didn't want to.
In fact, Eustass wanted the smile. He even wanted to be the reason for it.

"Well that's unfortunate for you, buddy, because me and the smile are sort of a package deal." Thatcher informed as he finished up cooking, rummaging through the cabinets like he owned the place until he found two clean plates, then separating the food evenly onto both of them. He took one of the plates then as he turned off the oven, turning around to offer it to his alpha. "Can I ask you a question though?" He paused for a moment, though not long enough for Eustass to respond. "Why exactly are you so against enjoying my company? You afraid I'll bite?"

The alpha had almost been tempted to thank Thatcher for the meal, but instead found himself glaring as the man went on to question him.  "Im not afraid of shit, soldier."  Eustass grunted as though that was the end of it, but the finally the large werewolf spoke again.  "I just don't want to care about people anymore-ya. Its bad for my health.  So you have to fucking stop smiling at me and trying so damn hard to be my friend. You are my beta and this is a partnership. Nothing more."
But then why had he been so consumed with jealousy when sensing that the soldier was flirting with Rigby?
Maybe he was already in too deep and just struggling to accept it.

"Well unfortunately for you, I could use another friend. So I'm going to keep smiling until I get through to you, big guy. I want to look forward to staying over here. And it's not exactly a pleasant time when you insist on being a prick. So lighten up." He nudged the man as he moved past him to the small table on one side of the room, taking a seat with his food and waiting for the alpha to join him.

Eustass wanted to be bitter and irritated over Thatcher's determination, but instead the alpha was warmed with a surge of happiness at hearing the beta would be staying with him.  He had excepted more of a fight from the soldier.
"You're a real piece of work, shithead. And you're fucking full of surprises."  The alpha plopped down in the chair across from Thatcher, his misty blue eyes sharp on the soldier.  "You talk so fucking much, tell me more about you." It was more of a demand than anything else.

"Alright, I'll give you my life story as long as you repay the favor when I'm done." Thatcher nodded, not giving the man a chance to argue before he began talking. "I grew up in a really conservative sort of place. My dad was a preacher for the one church in town and my momma taught Sunday school for the little ones during services. They kind of instilled their beliefs into me while I was growing up so when I started finding other guys cute, I pretended it wasn't happening. I dated quite a few girls in high school, but only the ones momma approved of of course. I was only allowed to be with the girls who came every Sunday. I ended up marrying one of those girls when I was only twenty. I think I knew I was gay even then and I thought I could just pretend I wasn't by marrying her. She was a wolf too, like you and Bell, although my parents didn't know that or they never would have let it happen. But anyways, then after I got married, we moved in together and I realized just how miserable I was like this, knowing I'd be with her for the rest of my life. And she really was a nice girl so she didn't deserve that. So I enlisted in the service so I could get away from it all sometimes. That's where I met Bell and really came to terms with being gay and everything, he kind of helped me realize it was normal since he was and his parents too. I knew mom and dad would hate me though if I told and I wasn't ready for that, not to mention the divorce. So I just kept on pretending while I was home and then I could really be myself overseas. And then... all of a sudden one time when I got home, no one was at the airport waiting for me like they usually were. I thought maybe they hadn't gotten my letter saying what time I was coming home. So I went back home and the house was burnt down. There was still smoke." He sighed then, this being the first time his eyes had flickered away from Eustass as he spoke. "There were still police outside and a firetruck. Apparently it had just happened that morning, the fire. Originally I thought it was just my wife who had been inside because it was our house. I thought she'd be alright since she was a wolf. But then they told me that my parents had been there too. Apparently they'd come over so they could be there when I got home. It's my fault they were there." He stopped then, realizing he was going down a path that only led to him being miserable for the next several days, wallowing in his self loathing. So he forced himself to snap out of it. Maybe it had been his fault, but there was nothing that could change it now. "So yeah, there's my sob story I promised. See, I know what you're going through." He smirked lightly. "Remember, it's your turn now."

Eustass had been unable to breathe when the guilt hit his beta.  He could feel it too, and it made the alpha's heart sink.  Thatcher was such a good person....Even Eustass felt that his life had been entirely unfair.  Someone as sweet as Thatch was supposed to live a charmed existence.  He shouldn't know what grief was.
But the alpha couldnt possibly give himself away.  Sympathy was for the weak. Instead Eustass merely glanced away when the solder tried to turn the attention on him.
"Tsk.  I never agreed to this."  The man wasnt sure he was prepared to talk about his loss.  He'd never had the chance being he'd always been alone, and now he wasn't sure how.  "I dont have anything to say-ya. My life has been shit and thats all you need to know."

"Alright, I won't make you." Thatcher nodded. He wanted to know but he couldn't make the man talk, he knew it could be hard when you weren't ready. He had had time to get over his loss, Eustass's was still fresh. "You don't have to talk about the bad shit. But tell me about yourself, your parents, growing up. Talk about anything good. And don't tell me there's never been anything good because there's always something. Look for the positive things, no matter how small they are." He was serious as he spoke, looking over at the man gently. But then he couldn't help but chuckle as he realized he was giving another of his "long inspirational talks."

"Oh shit, you really are one of those people.  Trying to show me the silver linings and the butterflies, all that soul inspiring crap."  The alpha had scrunched is nose in mock  disgust, almost as though he were trying to tease the soldier. Eustass couldn't admit it to himself, but Thatcher was good for him.  He needed one of those "long inspirational talks" every now and again to keep him sane.  Having the soldier around was like standing in the sun after a long and dark winter. "I'll humor you I guess, since you gave me such an inspiring speech."  The man rolled his eyes almost playfully as he went on. "My parents were both human-ya.  My mom was a nurse at the local hospital and my dad had enlisted in service not long out of high school. He was originally from Ireland, but his family had come over here on vacation and he met my mother at a little ice-cream shop in town.  They said it was magical or something, they'd been making eye contact and smiling at each other like love struck teenagers.  Evidently they even ordered the same ice-cream.  Anyways, my mom trips because she cant stop looking at my dad and he catches her, they acted like it was some fairy tell come true. He'd never let her fall."  The alpha's eyes had brightened with the memory of his parents, but the mans heart still ached.  They were gone.  They had been gone for a while now. "Anyways, he had to go back home.  It was only a vacation.  But he finished high school and he came back for her.  Started his career in the army and they had me.  Everything was pretty great from what I can remember.  Mom stopped working to stay home with me so I was never alone-ya. She was the type who took me to the park and swore she was getting me a fish but instead brought home a puppy named 'Fish'.  She tried to make me believe in Santa-ya. She never judged me.  And sure, dad was gone a lot but when he was home he was the best. He got me into sports and he took me everywhere, taught me to drive and how to talk to people I liked. Or he tried to.  He was my bestfriend."  Eustass almost seemed lost now, thinking of his father. "And he was killed in action when I was fifteen. My mom was hysterical.  Dad was her hero, just everything to her. She seemed to have died with him, I think.  There was just nothing left.  She loved me-ya, but her prince charming was gone and she couldnt live with that.  She died just two years later.  No real reason. Nothing medically wrong with her, no drugs, no signs she'd done it herself.  This is probably the kind of gushy shit you think about, so its disgusting.  But im pretty convinced my mom died of a broken heart. She just....Couldn't take it." There was silence then, as Eustass pondered any other happiness in his life.  After losing his parents, the only other light had been Law and his pack...
And now all of that was over shadowed by darkness. 
"I met Trafalgar Law when I was sixteen, and pathetically I was loving him wholeheartedly by the time I was seventeen-ya. I wont talk about it because it has all gone to hell and its not worth remembering. He was already a werewolf.  His entire family was nothing but wolves, dating way back.  So I wanted that.  I wanted to be part of his family so when I was eighteen I had his alpha give me  the bite. I didn't like him as the alpha though.  There was a point where he endangered Trafalgar, and so o a full moon I killed him and took his place as the rightful alpha. My pack loved me.  They were great.  And I was able to keep them all safe for five years-ya....But then we were ambushed in the dead of night by a pack of hunters.  I wasnt prepared."  The man swallowed thickly, doing his best to quell the guilt that swelled in his chest.  This wasn't the time or place, not when Thatcher watching him.  Instead the alpha did as he always did, gritting his teeth and turning his guilt into blinding rage.
He didn't see himself swing at the table, he saw nothing but the blood of his family. 
Eustass only knew anything had happened because the table had caved completely, cracking down the middle along with his plate which shattered when he'd forced his hand through it.
"Everyone was dead, and that was the end of my happiness. There is no good to be derived from any of that."

"There's definitely not any good in that." Thatcher agreed softly as he watched his alpha, his heart hurting for the man. "But hey, there's good now. Things are looking up for you." A hand kept twitching out, almost daring to touch the man. His wolf was struggling in him, wanting to make sure his alpha was okay. He could feel his pain and he disliked it. His fangs and claws were out now, his wolf forcing its way out to be close to the other man. "Things are looking up because I'm here and you're starting a new pack." He nodded, deciding to take the chance and reaching out to gently place his hand over top of Eustass's on the half of the table that was still standing. "It's going to get better, okay? It'll get better if you just trust me." It had to.